I Am Afraid
After a few difficult months I am afraid of getting my A1c results.
June 2010 — My doctor took blood today to check my A1c and I am afraid that the number I will get back may reflect how I have not managed my blood sugar very well over the past three months.
Why have I not been taking care of my type 2 diabetes?
I ask myself that when I am gobbling down some unhealthy food close to midnight after I stayed on the new job way too late (I love the new job I must say). I ask myself this same question when I roll over after the alarm sounds off in the morning to wake me up in enough time to go to the gym to work out for 30 minutes and I ignore it and snooze for another hour. I ask myself why am I putting my health last these days and preferring to stay up too late, eat too much, not test enough and promise myself a better day tomorrow? Only to start the vicious cycle over again, the very next day.
I am on a self-loathing roller coaster of past bad eating habits, negative self-talk, creative excuses and stress that is becoming more apparent than any time in my life.
I have to let something go, start something new, forgive myself, call a friend, find support, remember my commitments to my partner, nieces and nephews. Celebrate my blessings instead of looking at my burdens.
Where can I start?
I joined weight watchers again but I missed the last two meetings and the weeks before that I gained instead of losing. I have thought about bariatric surgery but I think for me, that may be too drastic. I met the criteria by being obese and having two co-morbidities but I am afraid. Information always can counteract fear but these days I have been too busy and overwhelmed with new challenges that I have not even thought about seeing a specialist in the field.
Have I ever been so negative and bleak in this article? Maybe.
Pickled Cucumber and Celery Salad Pumpkin Torte Veggie Coleslaw Tarragon and Lemon Chicken Salad Zucchini Cornbread Barbequed Pork Chops Grilled Tuna with Herbs Asian Tuna Steak Cranberry Orange Sauce Hazelnut Brussels Sprouts
Yesterday was pretty horrible. Today is better. So far … Yesterday morning’s Dexcom graph was Mount Kilimanjaro. Today we have a dorsal fin, jutting out of the water at about 200 before descending into a connect-the-dots shark. He appears to be 63 at lunchtime versus three-hundred-something yesterday. Not perfect, but it never is. Charlie’s teacher and the nurse mentioned that he didn’t look like himself yesterday. He had taken too many body blows from diabetes...