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I Am Afraid

By Kalimah Johnson

My doctor took blood today to check my A1c and I am afraid that the number I will get back may reflect how I have not managed my blood sugar very well over the past three months.

Why have I not been taking care of my type 2 diabetes?

I ask myself that when I am gobbling down some unhealthy food close to midnight after I stayed on the new job way too late (I love the new job I must say). I ask myself this same question when I roll over after the alarm sounds off in the morning to wake me up in enough time to go to the gym to work out for 30 minutes and I ignore it and snooze for another hour. I ask myself why am I putting my health last these days and preferring to stay up too late, eat too much, not test enough and promise myself a better day tomorrow? Only to start the vicious cycle over again, the very next day.

I am on a self-loathing roller coaster of past bad eating habits, negative self-talk, creative excuses and stress that is becoming more apparent than any time in my life.

I have to let something go, start something new, forgive myself, call a friend, find support, remember my commitments to my partner, nieces and nephews. Celebrate my blessings instead of looking at my burdens.

Where can I start?

I joined weight watchers again but I missed the last two meetings and the weeks before that I gained instead of losing. I have thought about bariatric surgery but I think for me, that may be too drastic. I met the criteria by being obese and having two co-morbidities but I am afraid. Information always can counteract fear but these days I have been too busy and overwhelmed with new challenges that I have not even thought about seeing a specialist in the field.

Have I ever been so negative and bleak in this article? Maybe.