I have been keeping a dirty little secret. I don't know why it feels like a dirty little secret, it's legal in 50 states and not immoral.

I've told everyone I haven't needed insulin since Kate was born. I was up to 30+ units a day of NPH. I haven't taken any NPH since her birthday. I also had an insulin pen of Humulin for the days that I just didn't control myself at lunchtime. Sometimes it was lunch out with the girls, or birthday cake at work, or just unfortunate run-ins with the evil vending machine. But it was important to control my sugars for the baby's sake, so I did what I needed to do.

Several times since the baby's been born I have let myself go hog-wild as it were, and used the pen to correct. I would be over 180 and feeling really crummy and take a few units to get back to status quo. It feels like a bad thing - something to feel shame about.

I had an endo appt on Friday and I did own up to my part-time usage of the Humulin, though only about 50% of it. I refrained from asking for a new pen or a prescription for one. The one I have was a sample and expires on November 1st.

It seems to me that if I have a pen, I will be less motivated to control my sugars with diet and exercise and my oral meds. The pen feels like I have an escape route. What amazes me is how illicit it feels.

I remember when my mother went from 2 shots a day to 3 and when my father went from 1 to 2. It was viewed as a negative. There was definitely no going back to the lesser number of shots and that was portrayed as a bad thing. Not just a bad thing, but a reflection on the patient's character.

I've seen ads lately from the pharmaceutical companies touting introducing insulin earlier in the treatment of Type 2 diabetes. I think they face an uphill battle convincing people that it isn't a negative or a point of no-return.

So for 2 more weeks, if I want to eat 4 donuts (yes, I have binged like that in the past) - I have an out and a way to feel better sooner and easier than talking a walk or a nap. Once the pen expires, I wonder if I will be more compliant, or just spend more time with uncomfortable highs.