A.Guandalini

My blood sugar is currently at 384. I just stare at the number. My mind trying not to fathom what those digits represent. I checked my blood sugar because I wanted to enjoy the cookie that I saved from dinner. Now I stare at this cookie, taunting me, telling me how my life is going to be. It looks so yummy with its million chocolate chips and golden brown hue. But those numbers tell me that my cookie will have to wait.

This whole week has been up and down. Yesterday my blood sugar hung in the 300s for the afternoon then crashed into the 50s for three hours after dinner. I consumed more calories in those three hours than in my entire dinner. Today I woke up with a high reading (all those carbs finally went to use) then crashed again after lunch. So at dinner I decided not to do as much insulin (and I suspended my pump for over an hour when I crashed) which has me at 384 right now.

I so desperately do not want to think about those numbers. I do not want to think of the effect they have on my body. I do not want to think about the way my eyes, my nerves, my kidneys, my heart are being torn apart by this reading. But my brain won't let me off easy. My brain reminds me of the reality that 384 is not good. It reminds me that the ketones that race through my body are destroying my life. It reminds me that I am not alone in this. I see the faces of the other diabetics I know and I think of 384. I see their eyes, their nerves, their kidneys, their heart all being destroyed because of these numbers. These ever present numbers.

And I cry for them. I cry for myself. I cry because I see how far away a cure is for each and every diabetic. I cry because we have years, decades, perhaps centuries of 384 taking a toll on our bodies. I cry because I know that people before me have had the effect of 384. They have lost their vision, their limbs, their kidneys, their life to this disease. And the reality of life is that 384 isn't leaving me out of those destroyed. Even if I keep my eyes, limbs and kidneys, 384 will still have an effect on my body. I can feel the effect now. I feel the way I can't concentrate all that well. I feel the way my mood shifts because of those numbers. I feel how 384 takes away a little piece of me.

It makes me want to go up to my rooftop and yell to the world. I want to tell them how these numbers rule my life. I want to let them know that I am not just an average girl. Because 384 is messing up my average and its messing with my life. I want them to see the inside of my body and how these numbers hurt me. I don't want to hide how horrible 384 is. I want everyone to see.

I will show them my kidneys and how they slowly cease to work properly. I will show them my nerves and how eventually they might slow and never feel again. I will show them my eyes and how the vessels enlarge and eventually break leaving me in a world of darkness. I will show them my heart and how each beat is another blessed event because 384 slowly destroys it. I will show them my entire body and each portion being turned to dust because of 384.

384 makes me aware of how important a cure is for me and for the other diabetics in our world. These numbers show me how my life is not just a normal college girl's life. These numbers remind me that my life is slowly being taken away from me and I can't even control it. These numbers remind me that life is just simply not long enough.