I remember posters of dull needles from the pediatric endo's office. The difference between a new needle and the old was always quite disgusting. The old was frayed, with shards of metal sticking out abnormally. It was definitely a good way to scare a teenager into changing lancets and syringes on a regular basis.

The bad thing was that I never remembered that poster after I left the doctor's office. I'd go back to my usual routine. I wouldn't change the lancet until someone reminded me. I'd use a syringe repeatedly, until the numbers wore down or the needle bent. It could be days before I'd even think about switching it out...after multiple uses per day.

It's a bad diabetes habit that I'm in. I try to be better...I put extra lancets and syringes in my meter kit. I try to make schedules, changing them on Sundays or once a night or on the 1st of the month. Anything to make the habit more often than it is.

Yet I always fail. Until someone starts reminding me, bringing my attention to the fact that not only is it kind of gross to reuse needles but it's harmful. The risk of infection, the increased bruising, the fact that the needle doesn't puncture as easily...none of that seems to scare me until someone starts throwing it in my face on a regular basis.

But what does it take for me to remember on my own? I'm a big girl, I can do it. But I don't...so what gives?

Is it that I feel so overwhelmed with diabetes care to begin with that I can't possibly fathom changing lancets and syringes every time I test or inject? Maybe because I'm checking my blood sugar over five times per day and taking insulin at a minimal five times per day as well. Or maybe it's because it never was habit in the beginning, never a big deal.

My mom would remind me every now and then. And she still does. I'll hit a callus one too many times when I'm checking my blood sugar and she'll say in her motherly tone "When was the last time you changed that?" And I shrug, knowing it's been awhile but think "Hey, what will you do?"

Now I'm left to my own devices. I have to remember to check, to inject, to change on my own most of the time. And between exams, papers, friends, doctor's appointments, and the rest of life, it just seems like it's unobtainable to be the perfect diabetic.

The perfect diabetic who checks her blood sugar on a regular schedule multiple times per day. Or who takes her Lantus at the same time frame every day. Or who checks the meter with the control solution. Or who changes lancets and syringes every time she does any of these things. Or who counts carbs to a precise decimal, tallying exact amounts of insulin at the drop of a hat.

Do I have to be that perfect to get the A1c that I want? Or can I slip up and still get there? Because right now in this life, I see so many slip ups. Things that I know I shouldn't do, but I do them anyway. Like eating one biscuit too many. Or delaying a bolus until after the meal, because I just want to eat in peace for once. Sometimes it's a matter of not counting the chips or cookies that I eat. Every once in awhile, it's the splurge of candy, real soda, or dessert when my blood sugar doesn't call for a "treat."

Right now, I'm focused on everything but diabetes. That doesn't mean that I don't pay attention when it's necessary. It's just easier not to care if my A1c is perfect at this point in my life. But I can feel the change coming over me...where my schedule will be a bit more stable, where the stress will be less like a violent storm, where organization will reign supreme. All those things that are coming into my life within the next year...and I wonder if I'll be perfect then.