Sometimes I'm forgetful. And sometimes I choose to forget. Like yesterday afternoon, I got frozen yogurt with my mom before I headed back to school. But I'd been trending south on the blood sugar line after several hours walking around the (scorching) zoo with my family. So I decided to forgo insulin after my treat.
Big mistake. Because the sun, the heat, and the walking didn't have anything on the 50 carbs of waffle cone and yogurt. And my blood sugar was the one that took the hit. At a lovely 351.
Four units of Humalog later, I stopped kicking myself for being so dumb and got on with my evening. But as I dove into studying for my first exam and chatting with friends, I completely forgot about diabetes. I didn't think to check after an hour and a half to see where I was headed. I didn't even think to assess where I thought I was headed.
And so diabetes snuck up on me again. But this time in a different way...and with a mix of emotions.
I was hanging out with a guy I met recently, feeling perfectly fine. The world wasn't spinning. My stomach wasn't in knots, nor were butterflies fluttering inside. No signs of a low in sight. While I chatted with my friend, he asked me twice if I was low. The first time, I quickly denied the idea considering I'd been so high just a couple of hours before. But the second time, I assessed how I was feeling. Perfectly okay.
As I waited for a late dinner to be ready, I figured it was time to check in on that blood sugar line. I honestly expected a number like 160 or 180. I was shocked to see the confirmation of a 58.
I know that hypoglycemic unawareness is an issue for me. Lows don't always rear their ugly symptoms until I've dropped. But all this time, I was obviously showing something of a low. Even though I wasn't even aware of it.
So I sat and considered. How could this guy (who I've known maybe three weeks) already know the difference between a low and "normal" for me? How can he know when I don't even know? Sure, if I really thought about it I could tell you that I was getting a tad testy and just feeling a bit unsure. But I never would have guessed that I was actually low! Tired, yes. Low, never.
And if he already knew, what did that mean? No guy that I've ever dated, talked to, or even been friends with knew (or at least mentioned it) when my blood sugar was trending one way or the other. My mom has been the only person in my life that's honestly been able to tell these things...watching for slurred speech, irritability, and just a general change of pace. So a guy...knowing my lows...scary.
It's a weird mix of emotions. First, you think that's great. How amazing would it be to have someone else be conscious of these things? What a relief! But then, you think about it...and it scares you half to death. My pride thinks that no one should be able to tell my body better than I can. These are my lows, my symptoms, my intricacies!
And the fate-conscious woman in me thinks that it's all too much. If someone can come along who knows my diabetes the way that I know it, it's just too freaky. It's too final, like a "sign" or a "soulmate" thing. Which I'm not ready nor willing to cross at this point. Three weeks is too soon for signs and soulmates!
Despite all those emotions, it's refreshing. Because it takes a tiny load off of my shoulders. No, I'm not letting my guard down to think that I don't have to stay conscious of my lows. But I am lowering the wall to say that I don't have to stay conscious 24/7/365. Sometimes, someone will be there to have my back. To remind me that "normal" for me is a big chunk of knowing me for me...diabetes and all.
It kind of reminds me of the supernatural powers that my cat has...smelling highs and lows. Although he's not perfect at it, he is someone to fall back on when I just can't take it anymore.
