Charlie Bucket, that is. From Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

(Wonka plays the musical combination, opening the door to the Chocolate Room. The group rushes in excitedly.)

GRANDPA JOE: (On phone to Mrs. Bucket) OK, so we’re here. He was 57 when we were waiting outside so I gave him two Squelchy Snorters. He wants to have a handful of whipped cream from a giant mushroom, about a dozen jelly beans from a jelly bean tree and he wants to drink chocolate from a chocolate river. How many carbs do you think?

(Charlie stands patiently next to Grandpa Joe with his candy in hand, waiting for the OK while the other kids dash around, devouring the candy)

CHARLIE: Grandpa, can I eat it now?

GRANDPA JOE: Just a minute, Charlie

If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it ...

MRS. BUCKET: What’s that?

GRANDPA JOE: It’s Wonka. He tends to spontaneously break into song. How much should we bolus?

MRS. BUCKET: Just curious. What was the CGM?

GRANDPA JOE: Way off. 236.

(Mrs. Bucket groans)

MRS. BUCKET: Geez, I have no idea. Drinking from a chocolate river? Are you serious? Can you see if they have nutritional information posted somewhere?

GRANDPA JOE: (looking around) Yeah, I don’t think …

CHARLIE: (sniffing the sweet fragrance of the jelly beans) Please Grandpa Joe. Can you just bolus me after?

GRANDPA JOE: Just hang on a second, Charlie.

(Mrs. Bucket hears a woman screaming)

MRS. BUCKET: What’s that???

GRANDPA JOE: Nothing. A chubby German kid just fell in the chocolate river.

MRS. BUCKET: (sighing) Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

GRANDPA JOE: Hang on, let me call you right back.

GRANDPA JOE: (Interrupting Wonka and an Oompa Loompa) Uh, Mr. Wonka ...

(Wonka holds index finger up to Grandpa Joe)

WONKA: (to Oompa Loompa) Take Mrs. Gloop straight to the fudge room, but look sharp! Or her little boy is liable to get poured into the boiler.

WONKA: My most sincere apologies, Grandpa Joe. How may I help you?

GRANDPA JOE: Yes, Mr. Wonka. My grandson Charlie has diabetes. I believe I mentioned this when I texted you last night. I was just wondering if maybe you knew how many carbs were in your candy?

(Wonka stares at Grandpa Joe for a solid minute, perplexed)

WONKA: Grandpa Joe. My dear man. Perhaps if you hadn't given him so much candy in the first place, he wouldn't have diabetes.

GRANDPA JOE: Well, no, that's actually a very common misconcep ...

(Wonka flashes his index finger once more and plays a short tune on a pipe whistle. An Oompa Loompa returns with a poster written in Loompalese)

GRANDPA JOE: (annoyed and bewildered) How the ... Mr. Wonka! How am I to know how many Wangdoodle ounces are in a single Loompa serving?

WONKA: I'm sorry but all questions must be submitted in writing.

GRANDPA JOE: Jumping crocodiles, Charlie! Are you OK?

(Charlie is slumped over against a giant lollypop bush, shaking and sweating)

MIKE TEVEE: Saw this in a movie once. The guy looks like he’s about to pass out and then he pulls out a gun and shoots up the whole joint. Or was it Steel Magnolias?

GRANDPA JOE: (panicking) Please! Someone! I need sugar!

(An Oompa Loompa pours large bags of sugar into the river, shaking his head and watching the scene unfold.)

VIOLET: Uh ... Hello Grandpa Joe. There's like sugar everywhere!!!

(Grandpa Joe rips a handful of candy grass and chocolate dirt from the ground and stuffs it into Charlie’s cheek. Charlie gags and spits it out.)

CHARLIE: (coughing) Grandpa!!! What are you ...???

WONKA: Sorry. That actually is real grass and dirt. Not edible ... nor eatable. Hmm. Not a bad idea though.

WONKA: Here, Grandpa Joe. Try this.

(Wonka hands Grandpa Joe a small piece of gum)

GRANDPA JOE: Go ahead, Charlie! Eat it!

CHARLIE: Mmm! Garden salad with cucumbers …

GRANDPA JOE: (nervous and agitated) OK, that’s not going to help us!

CHARLIE: Wait! Second course is coming up! Roast beef and sautéed spinach.

GRANDPA JOE: Wonka! You’re killing me! Are there any carbs at all in this meal???

(Wonka stares blankly at Grandpa Joe)

WONKA: Carbs?

GRANDPA JOE: Charlie! Is there any dessert?

CHARLIE: Dessert? Here it comes, Grandpa. Blueberry pie and cream! It’s the most marvelous blueberry pie that I’ve ever tasted.

GRANDPA JOE: (relieved) Thank goodness.

(Grandpa Joe waits a few minutes and then tests Charlie’s blood sugar as his face turns blue and he blows up like a balloon.)

GRANDPA JOE: (staring regrettably at his blueberry juice-filled grandson) Well … on the bright side at least your blood sugar came up.

CHARLIE: (still chewing the gum) A second dinner??? Here it comes. Pepperoni pizza!

GRANDPA JOE: OK, spit the gum out. Not pizza. We’re not going there!

MR. BEAUREGARDE: Hey, wait a second. So you got this little doohickey that you wear 24/7, right?

CHARLIE : Uh huh.

MR. BEAUREGARDE: Maybe I’m off my rocker, but why can’t they just integrate continuous glucose monitors and insulin pumps with an algorithm that allows for an accurate release of insulin into the bloodstream? Also, for the finest values, why not visit Beauregarde’s Automart in Miles City, Montana. Tell ‘em Square Deal Sam sent you.

CHARLIE: (nodding) Yes. Closing the loop. The artificial pancreas. They’re working on it.

VERUCA: What? An artificial pancreas???

MR. SALT: (squeezing his temple) Oh dear, here it comes.

VERUCA: Daddy, I want an artificial pancreas!!!

MR. SALT: Veruca, sweetheart, you’ve already got a perfectly functioning pancreas.

VERUCA: I want an artificial pancreas and I want an artificial pancreas now!

MR. SALT: Veruca. Sweetheart, angel ... Be reasonable!

VERUCA: You’re a rotten, mean father. You never give me anything I want.

MR. SALT: (taking out wallet) Alright Wonka, how much do you want for the artificial pancreas?

WONKA: I don’t ...

MR. SALT: Name your price Wonka.

Final Scene

(Not properly bolused for the fizzy lifting drink, Charlie’s blood sugar is 347. Realizing that it would be a really bad idea to eat everlasting sugar at that particular moment, Charlie leaves the Everlasting Gobstopper on Willy Wonka’s desk.)

WONKA: So shines a good deed in a weary world.

CHARLIE: No, it’s just that my blood sugar is really ...

WONKA: (interrupting) Charlie .. My boy ... You won! You did it! You did it! I knew you would. I just knew you would!

(Wilkinson, formerly known as Slugworth, enters the room and whispers into Wonka’s ear.)

WONKA: Wait .. What? He has what?

(Wilkinson whispers again into Wonka’s ear)

WONKA: Oh, right ... diabetes. Shoot! I forgot about that.

WONKA: Sorry Charlie. Strike that. Reverse it. This won’t work.

CHARLIE: But ...

WONKA: Sorry. It’s a candy factory. What if some of it got on your skin?

CHARLIE: But that’s not ...

WONKA: My apologies. Good day sir.

(Wonka turns to Wilkinson)

WONKA: Hey, is the German kid still around?