The clock hits 2:58 a.m.; it’s very early and dark this Thursday morning. I ask myself, “What in the F am I doing?” I’m wondering around the apartment with no lights on, nothing, not even the smallest of lights is on. I’m contemplating a lot right now. I had one of those days where I felt very alone. It’s not even all diabetes related, although, actually as I think about it even more I realize it all probably comes back to that.

“85.” A perfect blood sugar and am not even happy. The day had been riddled with f’ing highs, enough to laugh about because it’s all just so ridiculous. What in the F am I doing? It’s 3 a.m. and I’m wide awake. I’ve been contemplating getting tattooed up lately. Something I feel would be an excellent way to express myself. I’ve thought of a thousand things that I could get. I contemplate a martial arts themed idea, a diabetes “memorial” of some sort, and I think about just basically getting words like, “acceptance and balance” put somewhere on me.

This was what my day was today.

I felt it was time that I needed to get a few things of my chest. I really am ok, although looking back on the words that I have written, I really do hurt sometimes. I wonder about the person that I will become. I think about who I will be in my late ages and what I might look like and I think about if or how diabetes might have damaged me by then? What the F? Who cares really? Why concern myself with thoughts of the future; uncertainties, things that I can’t control or truly see now?

Even after a day like today, when I contemplate everything in my life, all is good. I realize that after all of my deep thoughts, things really are in perfect balance. Sometimes you just have to have those days where you think about it all.

The “what the F” days.

Thanks for reading, sorry for the long time away. It’s good to see you again “diary”, you really do help me get through sometimes.

-Andy.