Ugh.

That is the perfect one word description of my diabetes management these days.  I am off the rails.  I am not on track.  I am completely (or so it seems) - out of control.  I see highs, I see lows, I see some in-range sugars - but mostly - not. 

Today, for example.  68 mg/dl this morning.  No breakfast, because I was too busy, just some Fuse Banana Colada juice.  119 mg/dl at around noon time.  Salad.  No test until 4pm.  4pm.  And I've tested two times today.  Then I'm 200 mg/dl...  So what do I do?  I have a carb heavy dinner and some ice cream.  I am 236 mg/dl at 6:30 pm.  I am 175 mg/dl now.  Terrible.  Terrible.  Terrible.  And not rare these days.

I haven't been to the gym at all this week.  Work activities.  Home searches...  Other stuff that's - distracting. 

I want my life to be my life.  I want my life to be less complicated.  I don't want to do this anymore.  And it's showing.  I am getting lax.  And I can't afford to. 

But today, it's been 26 years.  That's a long time.  More than a quarter of a century.  And although I'm proud of myself for having lived this long - and well - with diabetes.  I am tired...   And I know it's showing. 

In my level of control.  In my writing about diabetes.  In my interactions with others.  In every little bit of my life. 

I need it to not be this way.  But that's impossible.  And boy, does that suck.