Did you ever have one of those days at work when you just couldn't make time for a break? One of those days when you didn't stop to eat, drink, or go to the restroom? One of those days when you were fully aware of the need to take a break, but you just couldn't stop for one?
Right about now, that's how life with diabetes is feeling for me.
I just need a minute to breathe. A minute to not think about this. A minute wherein my mind isn't consumed with my last inexplicable, frustrating number - or with the next test and the mystery and aggravation it could hold. A minute to not think about the destruction this disease causes - the destruction that it is causing in me.
And I know that I'm not going to get that minute.
Over the past month, two women with whom I went to the Clara Barton Camp died from complications of diabetes. Forty five and thirty years old. I hate you diabetes. I hate you. And there is no hesitation or but about that. You have no right. No right to steal away lives that held such promise. If you had a face, I'd punch it.
Over the past week, my bloodsugars have been all over the map. I spent three days with my pump basal rates set at 60% below my normal dose and my bolus rates adjusted down by 30-40%. Still, I could barely keep my bloodsugar above eighty. There was nothing odd going on. There was no explanation for the bloodsugars that swooped from 80 mg/dl to below 30 mg/dl within forty minutes with no insulin on board. There was no explanation, either, for the moderate ketones I was spilling for those same three days. I wasn't sick, I wasn't overly stressed.
And then today, with the rates adjusted downward still, I spent most of the morning above 300 mg/dl. When I did turn back up toward the afternoon, still I stayed over 300 mg/dl. I barely ate. I gave insulin, full doses, for the few carbs I did consume. But I spent the better part of the day in the way-too-high-for any-one's-good range, and I felt like hell.
Whiskey? Tango? Foxtrot? Seriously.
I'm feeling so out of control. So weak. Like I'm letting diabetes, and its injustice and incomprehensibility get the best of me. But I am frustrated. And I am just so freaking tired.
I would give almost anything in my possession for a two hour break from diabetes. Almost anything.
But I know all the money, all the stuff, all the wishing in the world won't buy me a break.
So I go back to work. And I hope for serenity, to accept this thing I cannot change.
45 and 30 are way too young - I'm so sorry to read about your loss. Please be good to yourself. You are dealing with a lot and it is stressful - which doesn't help in the least.
ifeel the same way i can barely make a full week of work from being so tired..hang in there we will beat this
Thinking of you, Nicole. Some days we just do the best that we can.
I am so sorry about your friends. I understand the frustration you feel. My levels have been from 168 to over 600 this week due to a slight infection. This disease is incredibly frustrating -- it makes me nuts!
Good luck to you and I wish you all the best.
Hi, we just got back from the Dr.s office where my 14 yo son had to get 2 bags of saline to help bring down his sugar and get him out of DKA. Diabetes does SUCK. I HATE it too. I would give anything to take it away from him. I encourage you to continue to take care of yourself...your family and friends will miss you dearly...
I'm so sorry Nic. That is tough to be so close to. And we're all right there next to it too. I hate it.
Nicole,
I can tell you from over 42 years of living with type I. D.M. that exhaustion is from too high blood sugar (over 300)!! Listen Nicole you can't get your blood sugars "perfect", so get used to it. The doctors (unless they are diabetic!!)usually aim for AIG
that are far below 7.While having high blood sugars isn't great, having low blood(I've had them as low as 20) sugars is far worse!!! This is how you CAN DIE. Because glucose is the fuel source for the body, when it does not have any the brain shuts down and essentially the rest of the body.
Foods that burn more slowly and that will keep your b.g. normal are whole grains, legumes, and protein.
Listen girl, I don't know where you work, but there are laws in place that allow diabetics (or those with "disabilities" as they sometimes call it) to stop for a needed snack, test your blood sugar and yes, go the bathroom (although if your going often your b.g. is high,)
I work as a teacher and always carry my meter, insulin and syringe with me at all time along with a small cartoon juice that has a straw. I test myself at my desk and if a student asks "what's that beeping sound?" I tell them I'm testing my blood sugar. They usually say oh my mom's, aunt grandma or someone is diabetic". If it's low I drink my juice give it 20 minutes and test it a gain. If it's high I usually know it because I feel exhausted, in which case I pull out my syringe and give myself i unit of fast acting HUMULOG for every fifty units that I am over. I just inject it thru my pants (no damage done to my black pants). I do this in a discreet manner (whether it's my purse blocking the view or on my lap with the desk blocking the view), so no one sees what I'm doing. If I couldn't take care of my needs at work, it would be hard. Every work place is required by law to allow a diabetic to do the above.
Talk with your boss about your need to get a snack, go to the b.r. or test your blood sugar. It sounds like you are NOT ALLOWING yourself to take care of your diabetic needs at work. Is that true? . You might have better control without the pump. Talk with your doctor about it. Nicole, I'm here for you! Melissa
Nicole Purcell,
You know what...? I'm tired too. Diabetes zaps my energy when it temporarily destabilizes, and I essentially have to stop whatever I'm doing and take care of myself. Then, even when sugar levels are back to normal, there is still more time I need to convalesce from the preceding episode. Because I am employed, many times I must push myself to show up at work on time and get through the day even when my body is telling me to rest. But if I listened to my body every time, I would use up all of my sick days within a few months.
So like you, I just "keep on keeping on" as best I can -- and believe me, some days my "best" is not much, but it is my best on that day and it is all I can do. No guilt, no resentment, I just press on as best I can knowing that no matter how much or little I did that day, I still did good. I give myself a pat on the back every single day without fail -- I got through another day, and I did good. I allow myself at least that much. I deserve it. And I won't have anything less. This is my life, and I have taken years to re-frame my perception of having a chronic illness into a more positive yet still realistic perspective. I am doing just fine with this responsibility known as diabetes.
You are also doing just fine and deserve to give yourself credit where it is due. I believe you could use some encouragement. You are doing well because you are doing as best you can. Let yourself feel some good feelings sometimes too. You deserve it. I promise. And finally, get some rest and dream of all the people with diabetes worldwide, even in different cultures that speak different languages, who know EXACTLY how you feel -- we all send positive thoughts to each other when we do it that way. Yes, get some rest when you can. Snore very loudly if you feel like it. :-) It's only for a while, and you'll get your energy back soon.