First of all Nicole, let me say that this is a WONDERFUL entry. I don't know where I would be today without my mother and her support or without being able to express sadness or whatever emotion I felt. This brings me to the other part of your entry where you ask for our advice for parents of newly diagnosed kiddo's....All I have to say is, if the kid wants to cry, please let them. Trust me, I am someone who knows from experience that you HAVE to let these emotions OUT! Cry your little eyes kid. This is YOUR disease.

Nicole,

This is a great post.

All of us handle adversity differently. Some reflect quietly on it. Some just deal with what life has dealt them without too many questions. Some cry and scream "why me?" or "why my child" over and over again. Some (like me) cry quietly into thier pillows at night.

I would tell your friend that even though her way of dealing with this is to "suck it up" and do what she has to do, that may not be how her daughter needs to handle it.

I think we as parents sometimes forget that this is not our disease. We are dealing with it and managing it for our children for the time being. But, it is ultimatly their burden to bear.

Riley is great. I think he deals with it much better than I do most of the time.

But, a few days ago during a site change, with tears welling up in his eyes, he screamed, "I hate diabetes!!" Yes, it was painful for me to hear. But, it was something he needed to do.

I just hugged him and told him that it was OK to hate diabetes and that I hated it too.

Sometimes it is very painful to hear him speak of his disease or his feelings about it. But, I know that it's what he needs. And, once again, this isn't about me. It's about him. He has to deal with this disease for the rest of his life. So, even at the age of 5, he has to figure out how to best do that. It's my job to follow his lead.

Sorry this got so long. You've got my email address. Feel free to share it with your friend if she would ever like to talk.

Penny

I agree with everything Penny said.

Also, she will be dealing with everyday stresses as well as stresses that come with having diabetes. If she isn't allowed to express herself, she'll crumble under the weight of all of those emotions.

As long as the mom shows her love and support, her daughter will come through fine.

Hey Nicole. This response is long but I've thought about this subject A LOT over the years and I think it is one of the MOST important aspects of diabetes management that is too often overlooked.

My parents are wonderful parents. I realize that there is no book given out when your child is diagnosed with diabetes that teaches you the "right way" to deal with their emotions. My parents did the best that they could. But, I do think that my parents' attitudes towards my diabetes can serve as a warning to other parents who have children with diabetes.

My dad was always pretty much oblivious to the fact that I had diabetes -that is how he dealt with it. My mom had the same attitude as your friend initially had - "suck it up." I was diagnosed when I was 10 years old. In my specific case, my mom's attitude towards my diabetes eventually had me lying through my teeth about my blood sugar readings.

I'm not a parent, but I know for a fact that kids are extremely intuitive. They know what "grown-ups" are feeling - sometimes even better than grown-ups do. Even though my mom acted like she was "sucking it up," with every blood sugar taken, I could sense my mom's stress and anger. Not necessarily with me, but with the world.

She did not want me to feel different from other kids at all and she felt that learning to "suck it up" would accomplish that. But, I WAS different, I AM different, and I wish I had had the chance to embrace that.

My mom is a caring and loving person, but she was made of stone as far as my diabetes went. Sometimes I needed a second, a minute, an hour, a day to be sad, angry, or frustrated about my diabetes. I never got that opportunity.

My point is this - no matter how much trouble parents go through to try to act casual, strong, or tough about their child's diabetes, kids know what's going on. They sense your emotions even if you think you're not expressing them. It was always easier to lie about my blood sugars (when I was old enough to test without her looking over my shoulder) than to tell my mom that I had a high or a low or that I was sad or frustrated. My health suffered from this (thankfully not very badly) but my blood sugars would have been more controlled with more emotional support.

Acknowledge the fact that your child is going through this. The disease itself will teach them to be "tough." They need you to teach them that it's okay to be "soft" sometimes. It must be a tough lesson to teach kids how to express emotion without dwelling on this disease, but I believe it can be done.

Andy - Thanks. I thought this was an important subject to bring up. I know that my emotions around this disease are sometimes the most difficult piece to get a handle on. Some days, I just want to rage or cry about it - and I'm glad I had permission from my mother - and have permission from myself - to do so when needed. I know my friend appreciates the feedback of those of us who've lived with this thing for a long while, she's already called to say she's thankful for the resources I sent.

Penny and Shannon - I know that both of you ladies are open to receiving emails from parents of newly-diagnosed kids - and I'll pass them on. :) Your insights will make a real difference. I know this IS so hard for parents - hard to see your child express their pain and frustration while you're dealing with so much yourselves. You guys are amazing, in my humble opinion. Thank you again for adding your very valuable two cents.

Steph - You make a number of good points. Diabetes doesn't just make a child feel frustrated and angry - it can make us feel "judged." Even kids know, too well, that there are 'good' and 'bad' numbers and that every number seems to matter - and rather than open an emotional can of worms, many children might find lying easier. I wish there was some way to teach children, effectively, that every number is good - good data - good information. Alas, I know this to be true and I still judge my numbers as 'good' and 'bad...'

Again - I think your insight here will make a real difference in helping my friend - and maybe other parents - to give their child the tools they need to LIVE with diabetes, and all its attendant emotions, without letting it overcome them.

Hi Nicole,
There's nothing simple about diabetes, including and especially the emotional fallout of it. Olivia will complain once in a while about diabetes, but in general, she doesn't (this is SHOCKING, coming from my drama queen daughter). She does really seem to take it in stride. However, the days when she's tired of it, when she doesn't want to have to stop and check or change her site or whatever, I absolutely let her talk about it.

Her father is a "suck it up" kind of person and as a result, is one angry, angry man. I think forcing down emotions of any kind will cause that. Not that you have to wear your heart on your sleeve and express every little thing, but something as big as diabetes deserves some respect and acknowledgment of the huge thing that it is.

It's hard to listen to emotions, especially if you were brought up to suck it up. Perhaps, if your friend really can't do it - and some people just can't, it's too hard - then it might be good to search out a therapist who is familiar with chronic diseases in childhood. If there's a safe place for both of them to vent, I'd imagine it would help.

Is your friend just sucking it up, too? Or is she angry and scared, but just not showing it around her daughter?

I'm happy to be contacted, too, although Olivia's 10 years out from her diagnosis.

Nicole

Your friend could also go to TuDiabetes and check out the group for parents of children with Type 1. She might find out a lot about what it's like to live with this disease.