Wayne Photo Guy

Diabetes has made me a hypochondriac. Every ache, every pain, every change is some condition, disease or syndrome. Now typically I don't truly believe I have any of the things I so often "self-diagnose," but I have to admit that I am constantly living in the shadow of my diabetes.

A few months ago, I went in for my annual eye exam. An Optomap (a detailed picture of the eye) showed my optic nerve was VERY enlarged. At nineteen years old, my nerve should not be this large. The eye doctor informed me this was a leading sign of glaucoma (luckily other tests showed this is the only sign I have right now). I immediately blamed the diabetes (which is a risk factor for glaucoma). Is this disease going to steal my sight the way it has stolen so many other things? Should I be treated for glaucoma just in case? Are annual appointments good enough to catch it before it gets worse?

I often swear I must have the smallest bladder in the history of the world because it seems like every liquid goes straight through me. A friend commented once about my frequent bathroom trips suggesting it could be a kidney problem. What hateful words! Kidney problems! How dare they mention this? I am constantly driven mad wondering if my bladder issues are from a larger problem. I don't need to be reminded of this incessant fear. What if it is the beginning stages of nephropathy? Should I be tested more often and more intensively for kidney issues? What if my diabetes has finally killed my kidneys? My friend can't possibly understand the panic those words bring on me. Kidney problems, kidney failure, kidney transplant...my mind swirls knowing these aren't irrational things.

That's just my point. My hypochondria is not some crazy, irrational phobia to eternally be ill. My hypochondria is completely sane (well maybe not completely). From the size of my nerves to the level of my cholesterol, I am constantly measuring the years of diabetes against my own organs. Instead of trusting that I am young, I have to trust the facts of complications. Do I know the warning signs well enough? Should I be checking up on these things more often? How much longer should I expect to have healthy nerves, kidneys, and eyes? Have the years of bad A1c levels finally caught up with me?

I'm not saying I'm obsessed. I'm not saying complications are definite. I'm only saying that diabetes really has a way of casting shadows over the rest of your body. It makes it easy to assume all the other problems are caused from diabetes. It increases the fear of the thousands of things diabetics are at "heightened risk" for. It steals the trust in youth as a natural cure-all. All too often, it steals life.