I’ve really been beating myself up the last couple months about my blood sugar and the amount of insulin I’m taking. I keep seeing both creep up and keep thinking that I’m just not doing enough or being aggressive enough to manage my blood sugar.
 

Yes, I don’t have the healthiest of diets, but I really thought that with more aggressive bolusing and more testing that I should have been seeing better numbers. But I wasn’t. And I kept feeling worse and worse about what was going on with me.
 

I had an endo appointment earlier this week where K (the physician assistant who I’ve connected with much better than Dr. R) kept saying that overall my numbers are just too high. Well, duh, I kept thinking. And continued to blame myself.
 

She advised me to slightly increase my morning basal and lowered my insulin:carb ratio. I am now so far under the 1:10 ratio that I’ve been kicking myself for how bad I perceived things to be.
 

And then in the last 24 hours as I’ve dealt with more lows than I’ve had in the last month I realized that *I* wasn’t the problem. Sure I’m not helping things by splurging (geez do I ever crave bread all. the. time!) but after watching in-range numbers on Dex for the last two days I remembered that it’s not my fault. It’s not my fault. It’s not my fault.
 

And I’m not just saying that. Diabetes evolves. My body is evolving. Shit happens. What really matters is that I’m reacting to what’s going on and trying to make things better. I know that losing a bit of weight will help and that continuing to push myself to exercise every day will also help. Having Dex helps.
 

I think this is one of the hardest things we have to deal with: not blaming ourselves for things that are beyond our control.