I’ve really been beating myself up the last couple months about my blood sugar and the amount of insulin I’m taking. I keep seeing both creep up and keep thinking that I’m just not doing enough or being aggressive enough to manage my blood sugar.
Yes, I don’t have the healthiest of diets, but I really thought that with more aggressive bolusing and more testing that I should have been seeing better numbers. But I wasn’t. And I kept feeling worse and worse about what was going on with me.
I had an endo appointment earlier this week where K (the physician assistant who I’ve connected with much better than Dr. R) kept saying that overall my numbers are just too high. Well, duh, I kept thinking. And continued to blame myself.
She advised me to slightly increase my morning basal and lowered my insulin:carb ratio. I am now so far under the 1:10 ratio that I’ve been kicking myself for how bad I perceived things to be.
And then in the last 24 hours as I’ve dealt with more lows than I’ve had in the last month I realized that *I* wasn’t the problem. Sure I’m not helping things by splurging (geez do I ever crave bread all. the. time!) but after watching in-range numbers on Dex for the last two days I remembered that it’s not my fault. It’s not my fault. It’s not my fault.
And I’m not just saying that. Diabetes evolves. My body is evolving. Shit happens. What really matters is that I’m reacting to what’s going on and trying to make things better. I know that losing a bit of weight will help and that continuing to push myself to exercise every day will also help. Having Dex helps.
I think this is one of the hardest things we have to deal with: not blaming ourselves for things that are beyond our control.
Michelle Kowalski,
I have only one question to ask you regarding this blog, but I'm not asking you to answer to anyone but yourself. Okay, it's more like a series of related questions that all converge to the same point.
You ARE concerned about your health, right? You DO pay attention to what goes on with your blood sugar levels, right? You DO continue to learn every day something new, right? You HAVE recognized patterns in what causes sugar levels to go out of range, whether monthly cycle or over-correcting lows, right? You DID get the Dex monitor as a tool to help you better manage your sugar levels, right? You HAVE become accustomed to an exercise routine, right? You DO voluntarily see more than one doctor to guide you with any health issues you may have, right?
I could go on and on and on, but I think you get the point. The answer to all of those questions is most likely a loud and resounding, "YES, I do care about myself and I am taking active measures to stay healthy!"
Maybe you're blaming yourself because sometimes you know you shouldn't eat something in particular, but you do it anyway. Maybe you just don't feel like taking a walk every single morning. Maybe you are frustrated that any other health issues you may have are interfering with your diabetes management. Maybe you just can't achieve "perfect" control over every last health issue you may have that hypothetically the body should be taking care of by itself without your conscious management.
Do you get what I'm saying here? I am simlply offering reasons that may apply to you or anyone to help achieve the whole point of your blog, "Removing the Blame." It would be abnormal (and I believe impossible) to achieve perfect control over everything all the time.
You're not really suffering that bad from health issues, are you? You are able to walk and drive and think clearly (except with extreme low sugar levels), you are able to make informed decisions and pretty much do nearly everything you want. I'd say your health is just fine.
And for that reason, the blame really doesn't have much of a basis for existence, does it? Conscientiousness always has a place in everyone's life. But not blame. Make sure you're not confusing the two, and give yourself some slack for being imperfect. Besides, you fit into society better that way, since everyone else is imperfect too. :-)
Dantony C.