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To My Beloved Children:

I want you to know how many years I've thought about you before you've even been born. I want you to know that I've prayed over you, loved you, and considered you long before I took you into my arms.

From the time I knew I needed to be a mom, I started making sure my life was set up so you had the best life. I planned my life to feed you, clothe you, love you, and keep you safe. No decision regarding your future went lightly on my heart.

The toughest decision I had to make to ensure my love for you was to promise to take care of myself, my diabetes, my whole health. Life with diabetes has never been easy, but there was a time when it seemed so much harder than ever before or since. I stopped caring about my life, stopped managing this disease in the way I knew it needed to be managed.

But one day, it hit me that I wasn't doing this for me. I was doing this for my future. I had to take care of myself in order to even have a future. And I needed to take the best care I could in order to have the best future. In order to have you for as long as I could. From that day on, I promised myself and mostly I promised you that I would manage my diabetes and my health.

I want to hold you in my arms, to count your perfect fingers and toes, and look into your innocent eyes when you're born. I want to watch you take your first steps, hear your first words, and miss you on the first day of school. I want to watch you grow into an amazing adult who loves passionately, learns aggressively, and progresses constantly. I want to be there for your college graduation, your wedding, your 40th birthday.

So no matter what, know that I kept trying continuously to love you through all of it. I kept you in my heart through every high and low, every rise and fall of my diabetes. That endless aim for a lower, healthier A1c was for you, my child and my love.

I know I won't be a perfect mom. I'll mess up. I'll lose my temper, scream at you, make the wrong decisions, and say the wrong things. But no matter how often you hate me or think I'm crazy for being strict, just know that I've always had your best interest in my heart. Remember that you were always loved and will always be loved.

Along with the imperfection, I'm sure that my diabetes will interfere with the way I get to parent you. There will be scary lows that you'll see. My anger will be aggravated by highs. And sadly, there might be complications that stand in the way between you and I. None of which you asked for and none of which you deserve.

Mostly I pray that you won't have to deal with this disease personally in the way that I've felt it physically and emotionally. However you came to me, know that I spent hours deliberating about the best option for you genetically. It's always been my worst fear that you would suffer in the ways that I have. And I will do everything possible to make sure that doesn't happen to you.

Through it all, I'll be loving you. Until you get here, until I see your face, I'll keep fighting to stay healthy. I'll keep fighting for you.

Love,
Your Mom