My Hourglass [Cloud]

Sometimes diabetes makes me feel so alone. I've always been the "token" diabetic in my family. And after almost fifteen years of being the only one, I'm adjusted to the idea. I'm good at doing this "alone." I actually like it. I know that no one I love deals with it. I never have anyone to blame. Plus it makes me unique.

In October of last year... that all changed. My dad was diagnosed with type 1. I've never worried about my parents getting it, only my future children. Yet here we are: my father has my disease. It feels horrible, a true blow to the gut.

One: his A1c was 12.6. His blood pressure and cholesterol are extremely high. All the warnings I've heard keep ringing in my head: heart disease and stroke are a diabetic's number one enemy.

Two: I want to blame him for my own diabetes. It's terrible, I know! But having this disease steal my life isn't easy, especially when there's no reason behind it. So now I can say it's genetic. I can say if he didn't have kids or if the factors weren't just right, I wouldn't have this.

Now three: It's genetic!!! The one thing I have always wanted and perhaps needed is to have kids. My ultimate fear is to have diabetic kids. I can't even begin to imagine the turmoil! Now it seems definite or way too elevated of a risk. If only I could keep them in a diabetes free bubble... Sadly, I can't. Now my dad's diagnosis forces me to choose between a diabetic-child free (and potentially child free) life or the biggest risk of my life. And if I choose option B, how do I live with the guilt if my kids get diabetes?

I'm not sure I'm prepared to handle this, but since when does diabetes care when you're prepared? I wasn't prepared at four to be "sugar free" and take three injections a day. I wasn't prepared at eleven to have a seizure at cheerleading camp. I'm not prepared at nineteen to handle my father's diagnosis. But hey, at least I'm not "alone" anymore!