When I woke up this morning I didn't notice anything different. I heard my kids running around getting their stuff together for school. I sat up and walked directly to the bathroom to shave and shower as I do every day. I turned on the water and sat my pump on the counter just like yesterday and a lot like tomorrow.

Before I wet my face I caught of glimpse of myself in the mirror and stared at the infusion site on my stomach. I saw this medical device stuck to me like an IV or something. I noticed the curliness of the 43" tubing running from the site to my pump. I looked at my face and saw a tired guy. A guy that has a lot of choices and plans foiled because of this disease.

Maybe it was because my site has been on my thigh for so long and I just did not notice it before but without my shirt on, I felt uncomfortable. Like a freak who has to be tethered to this thing. Maybe I need to go back to MDI treatment for a while? I am not sure that is it at all.

I started crying like I did as a child. I had to hold back audible tears so my kids would not hear. It was awful. It was almost as if I was just diagnosed again. I felt that twisting in my stomach of hopelessness. The emptiness inside because I was and am different. Time does not stop even when you need a moment to gather your thoughts so I had to push through it.

My brain has been trying to understand why these days happen seemingly for no reason. All of a sudden it hits me, "I will always have diabetes" and I lose it. I am not a pessimistic normally but something changed.

Or maybe it's because, nothing did.