Things with Marvin have been rocky lately. I hate to even post that here for the world to see. It seems like I'm betraying what we have. So I'm not dwelling on that aspect here in this blog.

But there is an important health related topic in there that needs to be addressed. Because I know I'm not the only one going through these things. You see, when things get rocky, sometimes it's tough to know what's you and what's "health."

I've been struggling with my moods ever since I stopped taking the bio-identical progesterone last fall. Since I'm on oral contraceptives, it's gotten pretty routine that around day 12 to day 21 I'm bouncing all over the place. I can cry at the drop of a hat. I get testy and irritable.

See, I've been through all this before. The attempt to balance mood swings with relationships. It can be incredibly difficult. Because sometimes relationships make you moody. Sometimes you fight. But sometimes you are just moody and you just want to fight. Where does the one end and the other begin?

Last night, as I sat on my stairs crying and feeling so broken, I took a body check. Body checks are really one of my favorite, most comforting things to do. I take one any time I'm feeling a bit off. Especially when I first wake up. Maybe it's habit from years of my mother waking me and asking if I was alright, was I low? The feeling of half-asleep is quite similar to night lows. So I would assess.

I scan from head to toe. Mentally calculating what is going on within my body. Does it hurt? Is my stomach fluttering? Do I feel clammy, calm, or crazy? Everything from my pinky finger to the state of my mental health.

I sat there last night doing this check in my mind as the tears rolled down my cheeks. I'm passionate, so my emotions can certainly get the best of me no matter what. The way I feel during a mood swing is pretty intense too. But there's this one factor that always takes place. It's the feeling of being out of control. I'm out of my own body. I see myself crying or struggling and I just know that there is absolutely no reason for it. I know in my mind that I'm over reacting.

Last night wasn't like that though. Even when Marvin kept insisting that I just wanted to fight. That wasn't the case. I wasn't picking. I wasn't trying to create drama. I wasn't feeling out of control.

I was feeling hurt, broken, wounded. I felt unloved, worthless, and frustrated. Thoughts ran through my head coherently. My anger and sadness went through me. Intense, but not out of control.

My point is that sometimes health does create havoc in a relationship. Sometimes mood swings are exactly that. Sometimes pain or lows or highs or just feeling uncomfortable makes you testy and irritable. That can translate to fights and arguments and World War III.

But just because you have health issues (namely in the mood department) doesn't mean that you also can't have emotions. You can be angry and frustrated and scared. You can be hurt and doubtful and alone. You're allowed to feel the way you feel. No one should tell you otherwise. No one should bring your health into the matter.

Granted, I'm not saying that we don't all need to do a body scan every now and then. A simple head to toe assessment of how we're feeling and what's really going on. If any relationship has a chance to work, we have to take our emotions out of the box. We have to make sure we are really feeling the way we are, without a mood swing or a low causing the drama. It's our responsibility and no one elses.

That doesn't mean that we won't mess up. It doesn't mean that mood swings and PMS won't happen. We are human after all. It doesn't give anyone the right to discredit you when that does happen. Let it out, have your swing, and then get back in the game. Apologize, listen, and work on it.

There is still a lot going on in my emotional world today. I'm in the processing mode. I can't figure things out, I'm just letting the thoughts flutter by and strike me as they may. I'm no longer crying or hurt or torrentially broken. I'm sorry and I'm doubtful. And that has nothing to do with health. It has everything to do with being human and being in a relationship.