Sixteen plus years of diabetes has left me with interesting personality quirks. Since I've never known a life without this disease, I can't really say that I'd be different or not if it wasn't here. But the fact is that it is here and that it weighed on my development, still weighs on my life, and will always be a heavy load upon my shoulders.

Diabetes created a strong need for control in my life. I've always been a bit of a control freak, type A personality (that may be hereditary considering my mom and eldest brother are type A's and my personality is all around more like theirs). But the relation between my need for control and diabetes didn't hit me until a few years ago when I read Diabetes Burnout.

It mentioned that diabetics diagnosed at a young age often find a greater need for control, a vulnerability to feel anxious when losing control, and a general obsessive nature when it comes to control (not to say that we're all OCD here!). And I completely agree. I want control in every aspect of my life that I can get. I absolutely hate not holding the reins.

Diabetes can be so unmanageable, so uncontrollable at times for me that I grasp at anything that can be controlled. Group projects...I'm always the leader. Driving...I prefer to drive myself or friends than have someone else drive. My future...I plan every detail that I can so that I feel more in control. Granted there are things that I don't like to control or at least not all the time...like going out with friends, the movies I see, or the restaurants I eat at. Sometimes losing that control can be nice.

I was reminded of all this interplay between diabetes and control on New Year's Eve as I was making dinner for the guy I'm dating. Chicken and dumplings. As I was chopping the chicken, carrots, and just generally cooking, he kept asking if he could help and offering to do things. And each time he asked, my sense of control felt a little less. My autonomy was flying out the window faster than I liked.

He simply wanted to help, to make things easier for me. And he did. Because I did not like chopping the chicken. Or peeling the carrots. So after he'd done it, I was semi-relieved but also semi-anxious. Because I wanted that control back.

But as I sat back today and thought of this interplay, I realized that I'm tired of being in control. So tired. I'm twenty-one years old. I don't want to plan out everything anymore. I don't want to hold onto the reins so tightly all alone. I'm ready to lose myself to someone that I can trust. Really ready this time.

I'm not saying that I'm going to let go of my life into someone else's hands. I just want to slowly learn to let myself go. To have someone else chop the carrots for once. To not feel my chest tighten when someone else does the job that I was going to do. Because it's okay for me to let go. It's okay for me to sit back and let someone else carry the burden (even if it is as simple as chopping vegetables!).

One day, I just hope that I do have someone I can set my life upon, someone else who will carry the bigger burdens alongside me. One day, I hope for a love, a relationship, a trust that goes beyond making dinner and into the realm of my diabetes. I hope that I can have faith in someone to help me make health decisions, to keep me accountable, to sit alongside me. And one day, I hope that I'm ready to truly let that happen...without anxiety attacks.

I suppose chopping vegetables is a good start.