Wow, you are an amazing writer. Yes, the quiet chaos of my diabetes permiates my thoughts and actions all the time. I feel totally naked sometimes.

Just sending you a big hug. I know exactly what you mean. I don't have anything really comforting to say, except that I relate. We all get scared, and angry sometimes. And we should. This disease sucks.

Very well said. I just went on insulin after 10 years with the disease. I am a nurse practitioner and deal with diabetic patients daily, but it still scares me today. I keep waiting to have the big stroke, even though my blood pressure is great, my arteries aren't. thanks for you post.

Big tight hug to you today.

The part that eats at me about this disease is that folks around me know I am a Type II, but they always seem to forget when they bring in sugar foods or plan group activities. I would love to be included in more work group activities but sometimes I make excuses to not go so I don't have to put them in that uncomfortable place where they have forgotten I am a Diabetic. Is that right? I am the one with the problem but I don't want them to be uncomfortable? Hard to say. I understand your feelings. My father was a Type I Diabetic and I watched as he slowly died from it. He was 59 and I am hoping I can get past that.

Thought you could use this Nicole...

((((((HUG))))))

Does anyone know the name of the test that dertermines if your pancreas is functioning at all in-so-far as diabetes goes?

I hope I didn't come off as insensitive. I guess my ignorance in using a blog was showing though the question was a sincere one. When the post actually posted I noticed then the other posts and I can sympathize and for once in my life literally empathize. Dx'd in 1990. I'm on insulin now and hating it. But there are other things I hate worse that are all med related. I remember early on being suicidal over carrying such baggage. Of course being the coward I am my idea of suicide was a bag of mini snickers and 8-pack of Mountain Dew. Then I remembered. I love God, I love life life is good. This is manageable. I can do this and I have. We can all do this. Finding a good Doc has been my biggest, is yet my biggest challenge. That too is in my control. So long as I live and breathe. My best to you all in this common struggle.

hey Nicole,

I cringed a bit reading your post. 'Killing me softly' is such a sadly accurate description of diabetes, on so many levels.

I don't have diabetes, and to be honest it is really hard for me to understand this feeling, completely anyway. I used to think just 'chin-up', get through it today, and onwards; but the damn thing is there the next day and day after that. It is an unfair burden you carry.

I appreciate your writing and this post. Thanks

I watched diabetes kill my mother bit by bit, literally. She had amputations in her upper and lower extremities. So when I found out that I too was a diabetic it threw me for a loop and I was in denial for a very long time. But now I'm coming to grips with my disease and realizing that it can be controlled and that it is up to me to do so.

I can certainly understand where you're coming from... diabetes is a disease that can kill us slowly, piece by painful piece. I've seen people live successfully and fruitfully for decades with the big D, and I've seen it chop away at one's body as limbs are amputated, piece by piece. Usually, remembering the bad parts makes me want to take care of myself so I never get there... but then I'm T2 d&e, so I don't have the wild swings that I see a lot of T1s posting about. Even so, there are those times when I'm less tightly in control and I cringe when the numbers don't come down quickly enough...
Are we -- are we trying to be -- and are we chiding ourselves for failing at being -- tyrannical dictators over our own bodies, trying to make them do things against which they are rebelling? Or are we rebelling against their desires to behave in ways contrary to our physical and psychological health and well-being? Guess I have to leave that to the metaphysical realm ;)
I guess I'd rather be "living with" diabetes than "dying from" it... and I'll behave accordingly. I just have to keep remembering that I *AM* worth the effort -- as are you!!
Be strong!!

Sorry to read that you're having a bad time. I'm glad you wrote about it though. I think that sometimes each of us thinks we're the only one who is angry or just can't cope with much more. I also think that posting this on dLife instead of your blog makes it more accessible to new folks and so, more helpful to those who may be struggling. I hope that some spring weather will lift your spirits.

No words of wisdom, just a hand on your shoulder to say "I know how you feel". Thanks for articulating what so many of us feel. Hope tomorrow is a better day.

Very powerful piece of writing Nicole. I just wish you didn't have reason to write it.

Awesome post Nicole...If it's ok with you I think i'd like to copy and paste your entire entry into my "about me" section on my myspace page....obviously I would give you full credit. This is an awesome post and I've never really seen it written like this...so accurately and beautifully. I hope you don't mind...I really am serious. -Andy it's completely up to you though. thank you

Thank you all, for your support - and for the kinship in this thing. I am grateful to have a place to express what's happening in my heart and my mind.

Thank you also for sharing your stories. I hope it helps you to share them here.

Annwithana - you didn't sound insensitive at all. And I think you should speak with your doctor but I'm pretty sure you either need something to look for C-peptide in your blood or maybe a glucose tolerance test. Since I've not made insulin in many years - I'm unsure.

Andy - Sure thing. And thank you. I am beyond flattered.

Here's to the promise of a better day. :)

Wow, that says so much, so eloquently. I lost my father to this disease when I was 11, he wasn't quite 30. I'm 39 now and my son will be 6 in August, he was diagnosed Type1 just after his first birthday. Now this disease isn't just ahead of me, it's being left behind me with him. I worry so much about what it's doing to him at this age and for the amount of time he'll have to carry it. I wasn't diagnosed till my 20's, and I'm starting to feel the long-term effects already... in 20 years he'll only be in his mid 20's, what will it be doing to him by then? I hope we keep it under control, but he doesn't understand when he can't have cupcakes like the rest of the kids, or why I worry that he wants to play sports and how can we keep the monster from rearing it's head and taking him down in the middle of the field.
Killing us softly, physically and mentally.

Blah. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time of it. You alluded to it the other day, but I hadn't read this post then.

I usually try not to think about it. I stick my fingers in my ears and say "lalalalalalala". Loudly. Otherwise I fear I might lose my mind with worrying that it's doing just that to Olivia.

Nicole, this is brilliantly written and so well said. It is killing us softly, in ways that people don't notice until we're already troubled with complications. This post, this sentiment, is precisely why diabetes needs the attention of the world. To cure this so-called "invisible disease" before it becomes all too visible.

I am with you. As usual. I will follow your lead. I do not have the push to push.

Great post. Also I was reminded of another song title which I think is applicable, "Quiet Things That No One Knows".

--Hannah.