My averages for the past two weeks were quite amazing. My only highs were generally after breakfast (still). Unfortunately, I had quite a few lows in there. But I have to say that working full time seems to keep my blood sugars at a more stable rate (even though I was moving boxes 70% of the time). And unfortunately, I think quite a few of the lows and falling averages were from stress.

Stress seems to work backwards on me. When I'm nervous, I drop like a rock. When I'm upset, I tend to average out at a lower level. I don't see a lot of highs when I'm under the pressure.

And lately, I've been extremely stressed. To the point that I'm getting ulcers in my mouth (a common occurrence for me during stressful times). I have so much going on in my life right now.

Not only am I starting my senior year in college today, I'm still grappling with these health issues. And if that wasn't enough, I'm dealing with some relationship problems to top it all off. And it's the mix of all these that get to me.

Individually, school isn't so bad. I'm excited about my senior year and really like most of my class choices for the semester. I have a lot left to do in the next nine months, but it's nothing that I know I can't accomplish. The problem is that school becomes confounded by my health and my personal issues.

My health creates havoc in my school schedule. The fatigue, the pain, and just the general unknown about it all. I've been moving my treatments around, but haven't seen real improvement. So now I'm about to start a conventional method and see what that does. And unfortunately, I'm dealing with another speculative diagnosis (OB/GYN believes I could have endometriosis) that is virtually untreatable. So all of that weighs on me as I go to class, it distracts me, and it messes with my diabetes management.

It also makes the personal issues I'm going through seem unbearable. Because I desperately need a best friend to talk about all this with, to voice my concerns. But my best friend and I are no longer best friends (once an ex, always an ex). And me being the fairly impersonal type, I have no one else that I feel comfortable voicing all these things to (except you fine folk).

So all this stress is adding up, leaving me bursting. And I'm scared to start another semester in such a state. The thought crossed my mind last night that maybe I should just withdraw from school, get my health on track, and come back when I'm better. Or maybe just take part time classes instead of so many hours like I'm doing. But I hate that, literally want to punch the idea. Because it means that I have to move my life for my health, which I do not want to do.

I want to be able to live for once, without concern for my health or my stress level. I want to deal with one or two issues, instead of five million all at the same time. I know that life isn't meant to be easy, I know all those things. But I also know that dealing with sixteen years of chronic health issues back to back, not finding relief, and never finding someone who can truly understand isn't okay. It's too much for one human to handle.

I just hope my classes go okay today...maybe they'll give me a renewed sense of strength.