I spent quite a bit of last week in desperate sadness. My mom would call and I'd want to stay on the phone forever. When we'd hang up, I'd be overwhelmed. My mind raced with doubt of relationships, nostalgia for the past, and a general hatred for what my life was. It was the all too familiar signs of the mood issues I had that started the investigation into the rest of my health.

Back in 2006, I started having what I term "crying spells." Moments of complete hysteria brought on by absolutely nothing. Not the nothing of a stubbed toe or a snippy comment. The nothing of a perfectly fine life. And I'd suddenly be in tears. My overall mood stayed okay, determined by stress and outside forces. But these breaks were out of my own control, out of body experiences.

When I started the bio-identical progesterone in May 2008, I sought ultimate relief of those mood swings and that desperate sadness. I needed to feel emotionally whole. I needed something that would allow me to live my life without the threat of a sudden breakdown in the middle of my bathroom floor. I needed to feel safe, okay, alive on my own...not seek the constant attention of friends or family.

Progesterone did that for me. My moods were elevated within the first one to two months of using it. It was miraculous and splendid. No crying spells. No empty feeling. An actual happiness that penetrated all aspects of my life.

Unfortunately, the progesterone made my acne go from moderate to severe. So I was forced to stop it last September. The first cycle without it, I noticed a difference in my moods. Around my period, I had all those telltale signs of the old life. Snapping at people, sad, lonely, just empty.

It remedied itself and I started Seasonique in November. Then the eternal breakthrough bleeding happened so I switched to Ortho Tri Cyclen Lo. I don't believe that the OTCL is making my moods worse, although I'm not positive that it's helping what I am experiencing. I do believe that the progesterone is now completely out of my system (it builds up for a period of about six months).

Which means that my moods lately are at a standstill. The tiny stressors get to me. Small comments send me into tears. On Sunday night, absolutely nothing left me crying myself to sleep. An utter loneliness, even if someone is sitting right next to me. I hate this feeling. I wish I knew what to do about it. I need it fixed, but I don't know how.

My hormones obviously need help. I'm tempted to change birth controls, although I know they need time to truly show effects in the body plus I'm not sure which one I'd switch to (everyone is suggesting Yaz but the double stroke risk really worries me). I'm even looking into an alternate condition than PCOS called congenital adrenal hyperplasia (late onset 21 hydroxylase deficiency). That specific condition peaks my interest because it involves cortisol production, which I've had issues within the past.

I went ahead and started back on the spironolactone that I was on for three weeks back in the fall. I cut the dose in half because I experienced unpleasant side effects (hair loss, lack of motivation, lack of all desire). I'm hoping that this might be the edge that I need...not enough to cause side effects but enough to see results in my mood and my acne. I'm also taking 5-HTP again, which helped my moods previously. It also helps with sleep, which I've been struggling with for several weeks now thanks to the Accutane.

There are so many medications and changes going on in my body right now. It's frustrating. I have blood tests for several vitamin levels and my cortisol on Friday. I'm not sure how they'll turn out or what might be affecting them in the mix of pills that I'm taking right now. But I'm hopeful to see the results nonetheless. I wish I could get that congenital adrenal hyperplasia test thrown in there too. But I think I'll wait on that one until my next endo appointment. I'm taking the course of treatment for it anyway, so it would only be a peace of mind situation.

I just hope my moods pick up soon. I'm tired of feeling like I'm on autopilot.