Hans van de Vorst

Fear of needles. Fear of blood. Fear of hospitals or doctors. These are all normal phobias in the world. People commonly relate to one or all of these fears, whether from bad experiences, horror stories or movies/TV shows.

But for a diabetic, what are our fears? Of course, many diabetics deal with the fear of needles, blood or hospitals/doctors. I'm fine with the needles and the blood, but I have a strong dislike towards doctors. I wouldn't say I'm afraid of them, but I don't particularly like to hear what they have to say (this stems from every doctor's appointment in my past that I would leave crying from because my control just wasn't good enough).

There are dozens of other fears that are commonplace in diabetes life. Fear of complications (more specifically, fear of blindness, amputation or stroke). Fear of insulin (just the hormone itself can be quite scary with its disgusting smell!). Fear of going low. Fear of seizures. Fear of forgetting things (like our meters, insulin, supplies, and appointments). Fear of being different/abnormal/judged. Fear of diabetes' influence on other things (family, driving, abilities, etc).

My worst fear with diabetes is that it will take away my children. I'm afraid that if/when I get pregnant that diabetes will claim its hold over my life with one sweeping motion, by complications in pregnancy, harm to my baby, or frustration with lack of control). Along with that fear comes the fear that my children will eventually become diabetic. I cannot imagine anything worse than realizing that my children would suffer the same things I have suffered most of my life. And to know that genetically, I played a factor in their health...I'm not sure that I could go on.

The second thing that scares me the most with diabetes is night time lows and seizures. I have had two seizures in my diabetes life (and I'm not particularly fond of them). Plus I have this unconscious fear that I'll go low and never wake up again. During the day, I can handle lows. But when I'm sleeping, that's a whole different story. This fear actually becomes very apparent in my life when I'm adjusting overnight basals, deciding how much to bolus for snacks or high blood sugars right before bed, and late activity. Probably 45% of my A1c issues are at night.

The third thing I'm most afraid of is that diabetes will rear its horrendous head at the worst moments in my life, that it will literally steal these moments (and often people) from me. I'm afraid that I'll go low as I'm walking across the stage at my college graduation. I'm afraid that my wedding day will be muddled with diabetes moments. I'm afraid that diabetes will interrupt exams, interviews and deadlines. But more so than that, I'm afraid that diabetes will push the people I love (or want to love) away. Because of how complicated it is, because of how scary it is, diabetes has a way of making people run. And not towards me. (Sure, I shouldn't want these people in my life anyway if they will run because of diabetes, but if it weren't for that...).

Diabetes is full of fears. It's full of hidden shadows, unexpected bumps, and lurking undertows that knock you off your feet. Despite all of that, diabetes is something that I choose to set in its place when it knocks me down. Look into the eye of the storm and say "Do your worst, for I'll do mine." (Yes, that's stolen from The Count of Monte Cristo.) Because my dropping A1c and my constant awareness of diabetes is only half of the force on my side of this battle. The other half is my will to live, my will to thrive and my will to show diabetes that it will NOT take over.