My dad and I have our endo appointments on Wednesday. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be going right now. I already tried to move it back a week, but the doctors were both booked. I'm just not in the right place to see her.

For one, my stress level has been high enough with my family member's issues, the job hunt, moving back home, and all the rest of life. I'm just not in the mood to go through the endo process...the guilt, the hate, the annoyance of this disease. I'm doing fine on my own, on a regular basis. But going to the doctor brings everything to the front, it makes it so much more real.

And right now, I just don't want to feel the reality. I don't want to have to worry about the judgement and the questions and the explanations. I don't want to hear the "if" and "why" of my appointment. I know the right things to do, I've heard them for over 17 years now. I can only give what I can give though.

It isn't even that my averages and blood sugars are so outrageous. My averages are typically in the 170s right now with a few off days of 200s. I was even in the 150s a few weeks ago, but then life happened. My A1c won't be where I want it, I know that just from looking at the logbook. I don't need the endo to tell me.

It really has nothing to do with the numbers. It has to do with the doctor. The poor woman is just doing her job, but I can't help despising her. I can't help but associate her with this disease...the way that every doctor before me was hated because they just wouldn't fix it. Why can't they fix it?

She's a good doctor. She cares and she spends time with me, pouring over the logbooks and adding an extra set of eyes. But the last few appointments have really pushed my buttons. The way that I can hear the judgement in her voice, the guilt that she places on me (unknowingly) for the highs, the self conscious feeling I get when I open my logbook for her to see. It's like she's invading a piece of my life that is too private for the investigation she likes to give.

I'm just irritated with her for turning from a caring doctor into the judgemental medical professional. I'm irritated that she so often tries to move our appointments (this is the third appointment that she's rescheduled). I'm annoyed that she took so long to give me the Metformin (which I haven't even started because life is just too messy).

I know that she is doing her job, but I also know that she could do her job a little bit better for me. Instead of telling me to stop eating normal foods and stick with only complex carbs (honestly, who can do that at 21 years old or any age!), she should try to work with me on how to eat the foods I love but achieve the numbers that we are looking for. Instead of asking why I haven't changed my Lantus, ask what I have changed. Just stop poking into the problem areas and let's look at the progress that I'm making as it is.

I'm just very annoyed with this right now. I'm not sad or depressed or upset. I just know that I'm not in the right place for an endo appointment. I know that emotionally, I don't need the extra judgement. I've got enough of it on my own. But because of my dad, I'm going. And I'll face the judgement. I'll hold back the tears and try to laugh off whatever she tells me. Because I know what's wrong with this disease already. I know exactly what she'll say and the numbers that she'll look at.

I know what's wrong. It's that I have this disease in the first place.