My life is on a peg. It's hanging, waiting to be pulled off and move forward. But it's not there yet. I'm not there yet. I'm waiting, so impatient and so anxious for the future, so annoyed by the past...I'm waiting to move forward and be myself, to stop hanging on this peg.
The past three years have been an incredible roller coaster of a journey in regards to my health. I've made so many changes, tried so many things. And at what cost?
Right now, I'm extremely impatient with the future of my skin and the future of pain. I have some major decisions to make in the next couple of months...decisions that I wish I could have made months ago. I'm waiting on the endometriosis diagnosis/surgery. And I'm waiting to decide on Accutane/birth control pills...extremely impatient about this one.
Because I feel like these things, these unknowns are holding me back from being myself. No, I know they are. All these health conditions get in the way of who I am, of who I really want to be. And I'm impatient to be that person, so anxious to know that person again.
I'm not the girl that takes an hour and a half to get ready only to feel vulnerable after I've painted the mask on. I'm not the girl that worries what someone will think when they meet her. I'm not the girl that struggles to make it to class. I'm not the girl that fights biting fatigue and unbearable pain on any given day.
I'm the girl that lives spontaneously, that goes out with friends in the early morning just because she can. I'm the girl that loves the way she looks, inside and out. I'm the girl that feels gorgeous in a bathing suit or a tank top. I'm the girl that loves class and makes it on time every time because she wants to. I'm the girl that goes without sleep and still feels rested, the girl that ignores the pain and forgets that those things loom overhead.
But lately (the past three years, but especially the past year), I'm not that girl at all. And I hate it. Because it's like living a lie to me. It's the ultimate hypocrisy. It's like denying water to a shriveling plant. Not being comfortable with who I am, and not being able to be who I am feels like a fire is slowly being quenched inside of me.
So I'm in desperate need of absolution, resolution, and salvation. I'm in need of clear skin, a day without makeup, and confidence. I'm in need of feeling comfortable in front of my friends and family without wondering why I'm the only one still breaking out in my 20's. I'm in need of energy and motivation.
I've made it this far, hanging on this peg. I've put my life on hold for this long. I know that I can make it, I know I will. But the fact is that I don't want to anymore. I don't want to have to wait anymore! I want to be living, out there being me.
A month isn't that far away, right? A month until I can possibly start some new treatments...only a few months till I can probably see some clear results. That's not that long in the light of all this...in the knowledge that I've made it three years living this way and a year living THIS way...I can do it. I can make it.
You can make it, I hope you see some positive changes. I have you in my thoughts and prayers and hope for the best.
Yes it has been a long wait, and yes you are tired of being at this spot in your life, and yes....
Lindsey Guerin,
Way back on May 6, 2005, long before I ever knew of this dLife forum, I had a friend in need, but there just wasn't anything I could do to be of help -- I mean, it was one of those things that all I could do was watch and be of moral support.
So on that date, I wrote a poem for my friend -- this time, the poem was not meant to rhyme, its meaning was more important than its structure.
I'd like to share this poem I wrote with you, in hopes that you may find encouragement through this transitional time in your life. I hope anyone who reads it finds encouragement as well, because we've all got to deal with our own kinds of troubles in life.
.
Encouragement
written by me on May 6, 2005
.
I know times are hard for you now
And you feel lost in daily battles
The ones you attend for others,
The ones you have inside yourself,
The ones that never seem to end...
.
It is enough to make you question
Yet never seem to find the answers
Whether you are truly good enough
And if you are making any difference.
.
I think you're doing wonderfully, though
For I have always had faith in you
Your inner strength inspires me
Your will to endure encourages me
Your acts of generous selflessness,
They have been examples for me to learn from.
.
And I believe in my heart
That you will get through this.
.
I know you will --
Because I believe in you
And, I am on your side, my friend.
I have always been,
And I forever will be.
Hi Lindsey,
Yesterday was history and tomorrow is a mystery. The present is a gift. Remember to unwrap the present. Plan and dream for the future and take the steps, today to walk the walk. You are getting there. The line is...In all things give thanks. There is not an except for.....subject to ....
Life can hurt and is does. It means you care. You take the time to share and when it is shared you cut it in half. When you share your joys they double and re-double. AS always have a great day!
D2