I went shopping last night for just one new outfit and for the first time in a very long time I tried not to be so hard on myself about the way I look.
 

I’ve been heavy for a long time. I remember my mom helping me try to lose weight when I was in sixth grade. I think I lost 13 lb. and was beside myself with excitement.
 

I can’t ever remember a time when I was happy with the way my body looks. Though when I look back now at pictures of myself in college I realize that I wasn’t as heavy as I thought I was, didn’t look as undesirable as I thought I was.
 

I’ve lost and gained and lost and gained so many times. The last time was when I was pregnant with No. 3, who is nearly 4 (gah!). From the time I was diagnosed with diabetes in February 2005 until she was born in December of that year I had lost 51 lb. and I felt great and felt like I looked great and wanted to keep losing. I loved needing to shop for new, smaller clothes. (And before you ask, yes I was being closely monitored and could stand to lose the weight anyway AND lost weight with all three of my pregnancies.)
 

You know where this is going; I am now a few pounds over where I was when I was diagnosed. And shopping for clothes is bottom of my list. Actually, enjoying shopping for clothes is bottom of my list. But last night as I stood in the mirror (in a size pants I thought should have been too big) I decided that I’m not hiding anything, that people can see me and they know I’m overweight and that there’s no way to camoflouge that any more.
 

And I thought about the TLC show What Not to Wear in which the hosts basically tell people – of all sizes – that you need to embrace your shape in order to be successful when buying clothes. Because if you don’t then you wind up looking like you got dressed in the dark or are wearing a paper sack.
 

So despite the fact that I wished I was wearing a few sizes smaller, I was able to look in the mirror and say “This looks good on me the way I am and I’m going to feel good wearing it.”