I am not doing what I should be doing to take care of my diabetes. I don't check often enough. I snack without bolusing. I never log anymore. I'm being a real slacker.
It isn't that I don't have TIME for this disease. Yes, I work part time. I attend graduate school full time. And I have a lot of other responsibilities like a very needy cat, a great boyfriend, and managing the usual parts of life. But I have time to check my blood sugar, take an injection, and log some numbers every week. I could be doing that right now instead of blogging and watching TV.
The thing is that I don't have the ENERGY for this disease. I stopped having the energy somewhere between year ten and twelve. A decade of diabetes wore me out. And almost two decades really has me down. It just isn't what I want to be doing on a cold, rainy Tuesday night. Especially when I have a slight headache and my eyes just want to close.
I think the thing that gets me through doing so little is that I am "borderline." My A1c is not as low as it could be, but it's also staying steady in a moderate range. And that feels acceptable to me at this point and time. It shouldn't, but it does. Eighteen years will do that to you.
I know the risks. No one needs to tell me that my elevated numbers are leading to possible complications. No one needs to remind me that I could go blind, have kidney disease, or lose my life. I know it. And I hate it.
But at 22 years old with everything that is going on with me, I'm just not sure how I am supposed to stay motivated for this disease. I'm not sure how to build habits on top of the other habits that I'd like to build (like regularly working out again or eating breakfast on the patio). It's just not simple right now.
My schedule is about to change with the new job. I believe I am going to be working 11am to 5pm Tuesday to Friday. I'll continue to have classes like normal all day and night on Mondays until May. At that point, I don't plan to pursue another semester for quite some time. I need to find myself outside of school and I need to figure out why I'm seeking a graduate degree besides the economy.
So my hope is that the new schedule will keep me more disciplined on all fronts. Having a three day weekend once classes are over will also be nice and give me much needed rest. Until then, I just want to get by enough that my blood sugars are not driving me crazy and I can lose a few pounds.
My plan is to work out two to three mornings per week. That may be doing yoga and videos here in the apartment or trekking down to walk the track or lift weights in the exercise room. I also want to establish a more consistent checking schedule. Once in the morning, once in the early afternoon, once in the early evening or pre-dinner, and once before bedtime. I also want to increase my Metformin to 500 mg.
If I can just change those things, I think the rest will ease up and not seem so overwhelming. Struggling with my weight is really taking a toll on my stress level. Not knowing where my blood sugars are regularly also adds to my stress. Discontinuing classes after this semester will also take a lot of stress off and motivate me to be more involved in other arenas of my life.
I hope that I can set some habits where I feel like I'm managing my life and not just living day to day. Right now, I love where I am headed but the day in and day out is not where I'd like to be. I'd like to have more energy, feel better about my body, and know that I'm making positive choices for my diabetes.
Hang in there, my dear! Yes, you have a lot of stresses in your life, that probably don't help the diabetes. Do you need to check your blood glucose so many times with the Metformin? Could you just plan to do it once upon waking and once in the evening sometime?
I know it sounds as if you would think you don't have time for one more thing but, going to a diabetes support group could really help you with a lot of the things you have on your mind. And the needy cat! Could that be another stress you don't need.
Hang in there and good luck! May is only a month away!
I can relate to almost everything you said. I am only nine years into diabetes and I find it hard to keep tending to it on a day to day basis. (I am currently taking Kyolic Aged Garlic formula 104 and have been able to reduce my glipizide from three times a day to once a day.) Yes, you should have your cat. Non animal lovers should not post to get rid of your cat. I have 7 indoor cats and well as two feral cats that I feed. I also have two dogs - one of which is having trouble seeing and hearing who follows me a lot. Keep up what you feel is reasonable and, of course, a little more. I guess most of us go through these "I don't want to mess with it stages", but hang in there - it should pass.
Two of the worst comments I have ever seen! Lindsey, how can you begin to set new habits if you can't even get the old ones under control. I'm on my 5th decade! You know the consequences. I suffer a couple myself. You just NEED to incorporate the dLife into your everyday routine. (I would suggest testing more when you increase the metformin.)
You need to get over yourself. All I see here are excuses for not taking care of yourself. You can plan the future all you want but you have to start living the future now. The future is the next second, the next minute, the next hour, the next day. If you keep the "poor pitiful me" persona, you'll never change anything. Trust me, I know. You also mention wanting to increase your metformin. Is this your physician's recommendation? If so, why haven't you started the new dose already? Does it take longer to swallow 2 pills rather than one? If you started monitoring your diet and your blood sugars and started exercising, you probably wouldn't need the increased dosage. Exercise doesn't need to be a formal workout in the gym. Take the steps instead of the elevator. Park your car further from the entrance to the mall or grocery store or you apartment building. You can tuck a little exercise in with many other activities. Stand up and walk in place while watching tv - start with doing it during commercials and increase til you can walk in place during a segment between commercial breaks. Before you realize it, you'll have more time walking than sitting. So, back to my original statement, get over yourself. Right now you are being your own worst enemy.
OMG I have only been on theis website for a month or so and this is the first time I have been to this part of it. Just today I was telling my co-worker the same thing. I have had diabetes for 32 years. I am 35. MY WHOLE LIFE! I am DONE being diabetic. It is something I have ALWAYS had to manage. Along with work, kids (14yr old & 2yr old), fiance, dog, family.....ect. I just want one day where I don't have to think about it. Just go and live!
I have been reading your posts for a while and I think that you do need a break. You have been going non-stop ever since I can remember reading. Maybe you should make a couple of things a priority, like testing and then do another thing you need to do to take care of your needs. Maybe you need to have someone else help you with your feelings. Its hard to have someone help you, I know It is an awful lot of work. Just to stay sane everyday.It will take time, but like someone else said, this too will pass. I am glad you write, it inspires me. You will get there, I am positive.
Hi Lindsey, It almost sounds to me like you are a bit depressed. I know its tough, but let me tell you, if you get on a regular excersize routine, i know, it will be horrible for the first couple weeks, but in the end, you will feel better, and have more control over your life. Good luck.
http://help-with-diabetes.com
Hi Lindsey,
Excuse me for a moment,my dear, while I respond to dadkern. If he thought that my response was one of the worst he had ever seen, he really must have a lopsided life. I know it's so easy to "misunderstand" the written word, but I just want to say I wrote because I felt bad for you that things seemed to be so out of sync for you right then. It takes courage to share one's thoughts and feelings with a readership "out there". And you're doing a great job of it.
Also,I was not suggesting you get rid of your cat! I was only pointing out that having to respond to anything else needing your attention can be incredibly stressful-be it animals, kids, friends, lovers, school, work, whatever. Hope things go better for you. We're pulling for you!
I really appreciate the additional comment! Thanks for being supportive :)