The past week has been intense, to say the least. I had three midterms, two of which I didn't feel prepared for up until about 5 minutes before the exam. And one of those was canceled so now I'm looking at three this week despite doing all the work for three last week. On top of that, I have homework assignments and meetings and bills due.

But the topper is that my leg infection from last week is no where near better. It actually got much worse Wednesday through Thursday. It finally started healing a little on Friday, but turned into an incredibly painful sore over the weekend. So now, I'm heading to the doctor bright and early in the morning hoping that isn't as serious as it feels.

Between the busy schedule and the infection, my blood sugars have been way too high. I even raised my Lantus today to combat the elevated glucose. Unfortunately, the crash that I was expecting didn't come in the form of blood sugars.

The crash is deep inside, an emotional drainage that has left me totally empty tonight. The kind of feeling that makes me homesick. It makes me want my bed, a conversation with my mother, and a warm meal at my dad's. It's the emptiness that zaps me of energy, of motivation, of everything that makes me who I am. 

I wish it wasn't 3AM tonight. I wish that my mom's house wasn't over an hour away. I wish that I didn't have three exams this week. I wish that I wasn't diabetic. I wish that my leg wasn't in such pain. I wish that I wasn't coming off the progesterone and dealing with multiple medicine decisions on my own.

There's so much that I wish for tonight, so much that I long to change. That seems to be the recurring theme over the past few years...change. Changing my body, changing my soul, changing my personality. Everything is changing. That 20-year-old way of moving through life. And all that change leaves me empty.

All the necessity for change leaves me empty. The feeling that I'll never be totally whole. The feeling that changing one minute detail of my life means upsetting a vast array of medical conditions. The feeling that changing relationships or changing jobs or changing schools means that I have to uproot a whole system of medical issues.

So tonight, I'm empty. I'm broken. And I'm drained. I'm the homesick child who just longs for a good cry, an old friend, and her favorite meal. I'm the little girl that couldn't sleep alone, scared of the dreams and the terrible lows that came with night. Tonight, I'm the nostalgic daughter who misses family dinners, having my parents to lean on, and never worrying about how my makeup looks, how my joints hurt, or if the fatigue will be too great to bear.

Hopefully sleep will cure the homesick feeling, or at least lessen it till I can make a trip this weekend. And hopefully a new day will bring a healing leg, lower blood sugars, and a feeling of fulfillment. Hopefully, just hopefully all these changes will pay off in the end to refine me into the soul, the personality, the body that I want and love to be.