I've been anxiously awaiting today for several weeks now. It's the mix of fear and excitement that can't be explained. Because today I met with my new endo and my old CDE (from the pediatric days). And today, I'm completely bittersweet about this disease.

The endo was quite amazing. She's fairly young, seems knowledgeable, but most importantly we seemed to be pretty much on the same page with this whole thing. Not only was she in the room before the nurse finished the finger prick, blood pressure, and weight checks, but she spent over an hour with me personally. I'm in awe, the drop your jaw on the floor kind of awe mixed with the standing ovation type of awe.

We went over my logbook, my daily routines, my insulin needs and habits, my life. She asked about my pump use, sarcastically joked that I didn't like having something attached 24/7, and left the decision up to me to obtain control with Lantus versus the pump. She gave me helpful advice in a way that didn't send me into a guilt-trip but left me feeling like it'll be okay. Because I have a doctor on MY side again.

After reviewing all my diabetes stuff, we discussed my other conditions and the treatments I'm on. She offered her opinions on bio-identical treatment (none that I was shocked by as most conventional treatment doctors do not support the use of natural supplements/hormones), but also gave me insight into what might help my PCOS and end my frustrations.

She automatically upped my prescriptions to give me a little extra, which is something I'm usually requesting from doctors not nodding my head in agreement to. She even gave me a prescription that might help with my unresolved PCOS symptoms, readily and with enthusiasm. Above all, she cared. About me, about my diabetes, and about my well-being.

As I left the clinic, I felt empowered by all the advice I'd received from Dr. K and the CDE. I had some new techniques, fresh eyes, and support to fall back on in my never-ending quest to lower my A1c. While I was making the hour drive back home in big city traffic, something inside me shifted.

I went from feeling empowered and like I could get through this to feeling overwhelmed. The reality hit me that I've been making these medical treks for 16 years, 4 months, and 1 week...give or take a few days. Those years have piled on top of my shoulders like bricks. The days where I left crying after a terrible A1c result, the days where my mother and I went to Toys-R-Us to reward me for making it through another appointment, all the times where I felt like I kept failing as a kid and teenager.

But now that I'm a young adult, I say things like "oh yea, I tried pens, but that was like 10 years ago" or "I think my first seizure was 8 years ago and the last was 5 years ago." Or I sit thinking in these appointments how the finger pricks and the needles don't get to me like everyone assumes it would. It's the ups and downs, the highs and lows, of this disease that make it unbearable.

So I sat in traffic thinking of the last sixteen years, not in specifics, but in a way that made it seem so long. I'm only 20, how can 16 years of my life be devoted to this disease? The worst part was that I thought of the next 16 years. Living so much of my life with diabetes, I've never truly believed that I'd be cured when I was young. I see myself at 30, 40, 50 dealing with diabetes. (Although I desperately hope I'm wrong, it's just hard to imagine life continuing on without it.)

And that part makes me sad, disappointed, and overwhelmed. It makes me want to throw the new pen and the prescriptions out the car window. It makes me want to stand on top of my car in the traffic to scream "Please someone find a cure!!!" because I don't want to live the next sixteen years figuring this stuff out and fighting against a higher A1c.

So please, someone find a cure. For me, for my dad, and for the millions of other diabetics in this world who are fighting every day against this disease.