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Sometimes I think it's really hard to separate my life from my diabetes. I've been diabetic since before I can even remember so life has always involved this disease. Now that I'm over sixteen years in, it makes the separation even more difficult. How can I cut out the one part of my life that takes over every second of every day?

There was a time when that was easier. A time when I didn't follow every action or thought with something diabetes related. A time where most people didn't know that I was diabetic or see the results of my diabetes in my life. But sadly, that was a time with little control. It's a stage that I went through that I don't want to go back to.

So here I am: a young twenty year old on the verge of college graduation, heading into the real world with full force, looking for love, and longing to get a puppy. Plus I have diabetes. Where does the diabetes end and where do I begin? What's the line that separates the two?

I really have no idea. I just know that my life right now seems fairly consumed with this disease. I'm sure it makes things harder when you're a diabetes blogger and you run a diabetes social network, but still...how do I pull off a diabetes divorce?

Do I have to stop checking in the middle of the gym or class? Do I have to quit taking my insulin in public places? Do I stop telling people about this massive part of me?

Because that seems to be the only way I can imagine not involving diabetes in everything that I do. My memories, my future, my current life...they are all wrapped up in managing this disease and living with its physical and emotional complications. Not to say that it is a terrible thing, because that isn't truly what bothers me.

What bothers me is that I feel the need to throw diabetes into the mix all the time. I bring it up so naturally that it feels like it's just another line...I'm 20, I like books, I have a cat, and I'm diabetic. It doesn't feel like it's important anymore. It doesn't feel like it means anything when it's thrown out there.

It seems like people see that I manage fairly well from the outside so there's no point in discussing it. They don't understand how many emotions run deep within me with this disease. They don't get the fears, the concerns, the worries of complications, lows, my future...sometimes if I even have a future. Because they think that diabetes shouldn't define me, but what if I think it should? What if I think diabetes is a major part of my life and I'm tired of people saying that it isn't who we are when it so obviously changes everything that we are?

No, diabetes is not the only thing about me. It's merely a facet of me. But it's still a part that deserves attention and respect. You ask me what my favorite books are or what my cats name is, but why is diabetes passed over like it's taboo? Why can't anyone (besides us diabetics) speak about the reality of this disease? Why do we all feel compelled to make people feel okay with it? Like we're okay with it?

I'm tired of diabetes taking control of my life. I'm tired of managing every moment of my life with diabetes in the back of mind. But I'm also tired of the fact that it's something I've been trained to skip over, to pass by, to blow off. I'm sick of people assuming that good control means no emotion. I'm sick of people thinking that I have it all under my belt, that I'm doing okay.

I just want us all to recognize that diabetes is huge. I want us to be able to open up about how bad it really is for us and about how amazing diabetes can be (I'm talking the joy of stable blood sugars, the amazing people we meet, and the way it changes us for the better). It only makes sense that something so all-consuming would be something that we could talk about in reality. But maybe it's not. Maybe it's like what goes on behind closed doors...we all know, but do we really ever say?