Here it comes. The flood of tears that I couldn't hold back anymore. I could feel it way back in there but thought they would pass.
The Mr. calls and can hear the stress in my voice and I don't try to hide it.
"What's wrong," he wants to know.
"I have no idea," I say. "I guess it's hormones. I just feel like I'm going to cry and I have absolutely no tolerance for the kids acting like... kids. I just want it to be quiet and for everyone to follow directions the first time and to not have to tell anyone to STOP IT! or to SIT DOWN AND FINISH EATING. Basically I want to relinquish my Mom Duties for a while."
It wasn't always this bad. If this funk is indeed hormone related. I'm assuming it's a girly thing since I've had some signs in the last few days that point to my period starting. Which is freaking terrible timing since I'm leaving on a business trip tomorrow morning.
Though I've really hoped that the uterine ablation I had in April would have completely eliminated my period I didn't get so lucky. It's great that it's much lighter, but I still have all the hormonal crap that comes along with it. And it effing sucks! I guess I was in a little denial because I haven't been keeping track of things on my calendar like I did before the ablation. Guess I should start doing that.
And what does this do for diabetes management? Well, I tend to have a pit in my stomach that never seems to fill up. My appetite is insatiable. And it's for heavy carbs and chocolate. Naturally. So blood sugar management is tough to say the least.
Not only is it the hormones making me feel this way but a vicious cycle of what amounts to pretty nasty depression, which makes me want to eat. I likely have premenstrual dysphoric disorder, which I'll ask my new psychiatrist about when I see her next week.However, since I already take antidepressants I don't know how it would be treated.
Geez, I'm a whole ball of messiness tonight.
Michelle, I hear you! I've lived with type 1 for 25 years and just this May was diagnosed with depression. It is definitely aggravated by my monthly schedule. My diabetes management has suffered greatly and is very hard to get back on track. As much as I love my kids, there has been alot of times that I too wish I could reliquish my mom duties - for just a little while - so I can sit and cry in complete silence, all by myself. Since being put on an anti depressant and it being maxed out in August, I do have more good days than bad. However, there are days where I just feel like giving up. And its those days where my fingers hurt more from the endless pricking for blood, my blood sugars are high - which just frustrates me more, I either eat things that I know I shouldn't or can't eat anything...I could go on and on. So, I can certainly sympathize and empathize with you. And, it does give me some comfort in knowing that I'm not alone.
You might not wanna hear it because I am a man but are you exercising at all? Since I started early morning walking, my BSL has become almost the same every day and it has also helped me to sleep much better. I do have a chance for a power nap in the early afternoon so it's not like i am losing sleep by getting up at 4:30. I know we are different and what works for me might not work for you but ya gotta try something.
I feel your pain Michelle and it stinks!! I finally showered tonight for the first time this week because I have just been too down to fight the good fight this week! The wife fight, the mother fight, the diabetic fight- it just becomes all too much some weeks and when that happens I just have to check out for awhile! I have fought depression for the last 20 years, and yes, being diagnosed with diabetes 3 years ago definitely felt like a nail in my coffin. My sister called tonight and tried to rally me back into the game but honestly it was when I sat down and read your blog that I realized we really are all in this together. We are all trying to maneuver our path the best we can and sometimes we take a detour to cry ourselves a river, or eat a forbidden box of creamy twinkies, or stay under the covers and not bathe for a week. Sharing your path was just enough to get me going back on mine- Thanks!
I have been Type 1 since December of 1969. Forty one years of needles, (used to have to boil the syringes), highs and lows, urine tests, finally finger pricks to give immediate blood sugar readings, 2 shots a day, 4 shots a day, now an insulin pump for the last 6 years. During the 90s I had to resort to endo ablation due to endometriosis and the accompanying pain and loss of blood. The surgery greatly helped. Just this past year I have been diagnosed with depression. I have even read of "diapression". It is a rigorous routine to be a conscientious diabetic. Too much of our lives are ruled by insulin/food. Low dose citalopram has made a difference with the emotions. I spend time every day counting my blessings. If I did not have insulin, I would have missed out on a wonderful marriage of 34 years to my best friend, 3 beautiful and healthy children, 7 grandchildren. It is worth the fight. Please don't give up.
I am a Type 1 of nearly 40 years' duration who has led a life of adventure and travel, with two great careers (in journalism and education), and a terrific husband. I am far from the diabetic ideal. Diabetes keeps me angry -- but never depressed. Try anger as a displacing emotion. Works for me.
Anger does indeed displace emotion, and it represents a demand to take back control of one's own life. And if Michelle is reading this, which I'm sure she is, it probably isn't much of a surprise that depression can "sometimes" represent "anger turned inwards". But does that mean that the only option is "anger turned outwards", as in lashing out against others?
I don't think those are the only two options. I am a terrible housekeeper, but make me angry, and my house will appear on the cover of "Good Housekeeping" magazine the very next issue. It all depends on how one channels their anger -- some of us can turn it into productive things that allow us to do constructive things that result in a positive outcome. And that's what I think you (jmback52) were referring to when you mentioned anger as a displacing emotion, one that is based on necessity and purpose rather than uncontrolled release.
Michelle,
What you think of me is none of my business.
Shocked? Don't be. That is not a statement I'm making to you, it's the name of a good book I have read, by Terry Cole-Whittaker, "What You Think of Me Is None of My Business". And the reason I mentioned it is the chapter starting on page 77, "Food and Other Faulty Substitutes".
Every Saint Has a Past, Every Sinner Has a Future.
Just a quote on the cover. You might find the book interesting.
Oh my goodness, as I was reading your post it was like reading a page out of my own life. I have been a type 1 for 8 years. I was up to 6 shots aday and have now been on the pump for about 5 yrs now. I deal daily with the depression issues you speak of. I am a mom of 2, a wife, a second grade teacher and a dibetic. I have put my diabetes on the back burner for many years now. Neglecting it has resulted in terrible control. I've been hospitalized twice with Ketoacidosis. I'm really trying hard now to get my numbers under control. I'm eating better and exercising more. But I still have sooo many days where I just want to throw in the towl. I literally want to scream! I want a break from everything; my kids, my husband, my students, just everything. I have been treated for depression for about 3 years now. I been on celexa, and welbutrin in the past, not much help. Now I'm on prestique. I take 25mg daily and it seems to not help at all. My dr. says that's all it comes in. She said ppl have tried taking two, but no noted improvement- just terrible headaches. I've also had my first episode of "rage" this week. It was so scary. It almost felt like a panic or anxiety attack at first, but I just was fighting mad. I screamed at the top of my lungs, ranted and raved around the house. It was sooo not like me. I felt terrible afterward. When I checked my sugar it was 327. I bolused and it went down slowly. Those high numbers are not new for me, but I've never raged like that before. I've never felt so out of control in my life. I hope that I never experience that again. Another thing we have in common is the ablation. I had mine this past Dec. I am currently having my period and am wondering if yesterday's rage was triggered by hormones. I don't know what caused it, but I hope and pray I don't have one again. So glad to know that I'm not alone in this, because it sure seems that way most of the time.