The list of things I shouldn't eat is long. And I typically ignore the list.
I'm a chocoholic. Pretty much everyone in my life knows it (even my seventh-grade boyfriend knew it!). One of my favorite phrases is, "This requires chocolate." I do feel guilty, though. Well, not guilty so much as self conscious.
Today after lunch I got that familiar I-need-chocolate-after-lunch feeling. I grabbed $1.50 in change and walked to the other building.
As I was walking I thought I really only needed one chocolate bar and that although I really wanted more than one I figured I could survive with only one. The vending machine is rather exposed for those of us who are heavy and self-conscious and don't want others to see us eating junk food. I hoped no one would see me standing at the machine. In my self-conscious haze, I pushed the wrong buttons. Still chocolate, but not what I wanted. Which gave me an excuse to feed the machine again and walk away with two candy bars.
And then I had to face the hallways, hoping no one would see what I was carrying. You can't put chocolate in your pocket in Phoenix, especially when the high is 102 (seriously, it's that hot already!) and you really can barely hold it in your hand long enough to get it back to your desk.
I passed person after person and watched their eyes to see if they gravitated to the candy I was trying to hide at my sides. I was almost to my cube when I nearly ran over two people at a corner, picked up my pace just a hair and scooted in front of them.
"Is that your lunch?" L said from behind.
Oh for the love of Pete! I thought to myself.
"No, I pushed the wrong buttons," I said with a chuckle as I kept walking hoping she'd drop it.
"Have you heard of garblegarble? He says Twix are the worst candy bar you can have," she said noting that I was carrying a Twix and looking over the wall of my cube.
Why oh why do you skinny minis think it's OK to talk smack to the heavy girl eating candy? I wondered.
"Well, none of them are good for us, really," I said sitting down hoping she'd just go away and leave me in peace to eat my damn candy.
The list of foods I shouldn't eat is long. And I continue to choose to ignore it. And conversations like that make me want to eat it even more.
You're too hard on yourself. Dark chocolate, especially because of flavonoids, may well be protective against cardiovascular disease such as heart attacks and strokes. People with diabetes need to take action to prevent coronary heart disease, to which they are predisposed. I recently reviewed the scientific literature on health benefits of dark chocolate, and summarized them here:
http://advancedmediterraneandiet.com/blog/?p=108. The calories in healthy dark chocolates are often about 70% from fat. So a small serving, like 20 grams, my not affect blood sugar much.
-Steve
My mate was told to eat a small block off of a chocolate bar every day by his neurologist to help him with neuropathy. You go for the one that is high in cocoa. But you aren't suppose to eat very much. I think that you have to find that in the fitness food section.
Sally
Have you tried sugar free dove chocolates? They are great! Contain about 5 carbs each..low enough to have one a day! Check them out!
Oh my. I hear ya on the "makes us want to eat it more"
Michelle,
Eat your chocolate! I think it's important to us D's that we don't feel punished for our disease and have to be on a 'diet' all the time. The way we think and eat is the way EVERYONE ought to eat....even skinny mini in the next cubicle.
Mousie, fellow chocolate lover
I think it is foolish to ignore the "no-no" food list. Let's face it, it's not always easy, but hey your health is more important than indulging in chocolate. I've been diagnosed recently and believe me it is sometimes hard to control myself with regards to the no-no foods. However, I'd rather be healthy and live a good life, than dying young because of my own stupidity and lack of self-control!
I think Marionette is being a bit harsh albeit she is right. However,
I think we were all zealots and narrow minded when we were first diagnosed and as the years pass we become more realistic about our lives. Having grown up watching most of the elders in my family deal with D and then being diagnosed myself, I've been able to find a comfortable middle road.
I eat what I want, including sweets and especially chocolate. I just limit the amounts I eat. I see no reason to live my life being deprived of all the things I love (and I do love food). I follow the two bite rule, my husband orders dessert and I have two normal size bites, I get a child size ice cream - 2 bites and someone else eats the rest or I trash it. I get a candy bar at the office and cut off my two bite size piece and the balance goes into my friend's desk till tomorrow. Just because you have it doesn't mean you have to eat it all at once!
As for the skinny mini's - isn't it just so sweet that they make such helpful comments while stuffing their own faces. My answer is always the same: "Thanks, too bad we aren't all as perfect as you but everyone has their faults. See ya later." And I smile a really big sincere smile and walk away. I have rarely had a second comment and several times I have gotten apologies.
As for being big, fat or otherwise described: Honey, God could care less if you are skinny or fat or tall or short. As long as you are a kind, thoughtful and loving person, the package it comes in is just wrapping paper.
Be kind to yourself and everyone else will follow suit.
You know, I find all this anger towards "skinny minis" really offensive.
Most "skinny" people, including myself, work really hard to stay healthy. This includes exercising, not eating fast food, and not eating out of vending machines! It is not always convenient, especially with my busy schedule, but I make the commitment.
I don't understand the assumption that slender people stuff their faces and just don't get fat. Not true. I used to eat a lot of processed food, and I also used to be several sizes larger. When my habits changed, so did my diet.
Nobody 'needs' a Twix (or two) after lunch, not even my skinny non-diabetic sister. Your coworker was probably just trying to be helpful because it's obvious that you're not making the best choices.
You don't have to listen to her advice, but don't blame other people for your crappy food choices. As another commenter said (in a slightly different context) - BE KIND TO YOURSELF!
Sara,
I was certainly not "blaming" my co-worker for my crappy food choice. Nor did I ask for her advice, so why should I be happy or accepting that she chose to point out that I was not making a wise choice? Do I comment to her across the cube walls when she is disrespectful to her husband on the phone? Nope. Do you appreciate it when someone points out your shortcomings? Probably not. And frankly I'm pretty offended that this world thinks it's OK to harp on fat people, who definitely get a harder wrap than skinny people.
Michelle,
Frankly, when you are saying things like "conversations like that just make me want to eat it even more", it sounds like you are saying that her unsolicited advice was a trigger for you to overeat.
And yes, I actually DO appreciate it when someone points out my shortcomings, no matter their intentions. It helps me understand how others see me, and I usually think about what I'd like to change about my life to make myself happier.
So I guess I just don't see the point of making food choices that make YOU feel guilty and self-conscious, and then getting even more upset when someone points out that Twix isn't exactly health food. It's a fact, not an opinion. And I think that makes it a little different from you commenting over the cube wall that you think she's being rude on the phone to her husband...
And finally, I don't think that promoting exercise and responsible eating habits equals giving fat people a bad rap. Is it also totally uncalled for to encourage people to stop smoking, given the health risks and costs to society? Because it sounds like common sense to me.
So you're saying that the world making fun of and discriminating against fat people is "promoting exercise and responsible eating habits"? I don't think so.
We all have our vices and our crosses to bear. We all have our triggers. No one is perfect. And attacking someone for eating a candy bar or two is certainly not a productive way to promote responsible eating habits.
Michelle,
Did you ever notice how it's "former fatties" that are the meanest to chubby people? It's like how former smokers are horrible to current smokers.
I have lost a great deal of weight, but I'm still on the border between overweight and obese. I hope to lose more and get into a healthier weight range. But I really hope I never get to be one of those formerly chubby people who are so horrible to those who are still chubby!
As for control...the whole first year after I was diagnosed I had iron control and I didn't get why other people didn't too...but it wore off. I realized that I wasn't going to die immediately if I ate a candy bar. So I went off the deep end and ate lots of stuff I shouldn't. I'm trying to get to a more balanced place again, where I mostly eat healthy, but let myself have a candy bar or an ice cream once in a while.
What I'm thinking about doing is getting miniatures of my favorite chocolates (for me it's Cadbury Dairy Milk or Reese's Cups)and just bringing a couple to work (about 5-6g of carbs each), that way I can have a couple if I feel I need them (I too turn to chocolate in times of stress) without going too far off the deep end. Vending machine candy bars are bigger and have more carbs and I know when I'm in a tizzy, no matter how much I tell myself I'll only eat half--it never works out that way.
Rebecca
I remember my diabetic class that the instructor told us that we can actually have a fun size candy bar a day if we figured it into our carb limitations. It is not nutritous of course, but it definitely is manageable. If you can stop with one of course. *smile*
There is nothing wrong with incorporating ice cream into that carb management program either. But you got to remember a serving size is what, a half of cup? I can't do that.
If I start I can't stop. Can't do that more than once a day either.
But you have to remember that you also need to count calories plus carbs to lose weight.
I also have seen prejudice at times toward me, or toward others about their weight. It is one of those prejudices that is accepted by
society. I don't think ALL thin people are working at their weight either. Some do and some don't. Life has variables. But it does help us to keep our blood sugars under tight control. I keep reading that!!
I am a work in progress. I think most diabetics are too.
Sally
Michelle,
Sorry but how does the world "make fun of and discriminate against fat people"? How do you make the distinction between discrimination and not enabling an epidemic problem?
As an outsider, it seems very clear from your post that your frequent "need" for chocolate after lunch is emotional and not physical.
From your blog posts it also seems like you are very open with your coworkers about your diabetes and efforts to lose weight.
You seem to take every bit of constructive criticism as a personal attack - maybe your coworker is just trying to help. Would it have been more respectful for her to enable your problem by just ignoring you when she sees you trying to hide 600 calories worth of candy?
Sara,
Do you live under a rock? Do you watch TV? Movies? How can you not see hatred toward fat people in everyday life? Have you seen the documented cases of skinny people and fat people in the same situations getting different treatment? I can't believe you don't think that the world panders to thin people. Denying people jobs because of their weight, having cabs pass over a fat person in favor of a thin person based only on looks, making fat people the butt of jokes and the subject of comedies is crossing the line. Do you really think that that kind of behavior is going to make someone change their food choices? If so, I think you're living in a fantasy world. And I think your attitude is exactly the kind of thing that makes this whole situation worse.
wow... Call me crazy but I don't feel that eating a candy bar or ice cream or anything else is an invitation for people to give me their 2 cents about my diet. I think what irritates me the most is that the "diabetes police" feel the need to comment about how unhealthy candy bars and the occasional piece of birthday cake are, but don’t say a freaking word to the people scarfing down bagels and muffins for breakfast in the morning. Last I checked, a bagel does a heck of a lot more damage to my blood sugar than a Twix!
And as far as smoking goes, I quit smoking 2 years ago. Prior to quitting, I was very much aware at how bad and unhealthy smoking is. I really didn’t need people telling me about it. "Thanks genius, but it's dangers are printed right here on the pack. I dont need your PSA to tell me I should quit."
I am not sure why some people feel that it is their right to comment on other people habits, diets, shortcomings what have you. It’s rude for one thing. If I didn’t ask for your opinion, keep it to yourself. And if you can’t keep it to yourself, I am sure not going to keep my dislike of your rudeness to myself. Last time I checked, no one is perfect.
Treehugger,
Exactly! I think you said it better than I could.
You know Michelle,
People are funny, they tend to give us exactly what we expect. Do you really think that you are discriminated against solely because of your size? Do you not think your attitude and expectations play any role in the way other people interact with you?
We are all responsible for our own destiny, and we all create our own misery to a certain extent. You can either choose to be fat and happy about it, and not care what other people think, or you can choose to take control and change the things you aren't happy about in your life. But you can't really write a blog post like this one and then expect only positive comments. Stop playing the victim and take responsibility for your own health, and maybe you will be happier with your life.
Who said I was unhappy? YOU perceived that I'm unhappy. I'm not playing a victim either. I did not ask for sympathy nor did I blame anyone other than myself for the choices I made. I'm defending myself against someone who thinks she's offering "constructive criticism" but is actually judging me. And frankly in this SUPPORTIVE environment I did not expect to be attacked for what I wrote. I am proud of the fact that I can write honestly about what's going on in my life. And I know the people who read my blog posts appreciate the fact that I'm honest and raw and put it all out there.
I have been mistaken, though: apparently there is one perfect person in this world. Congratuations, you ought to take a bow.
Hmmm. Maybe I missed something? I thought Michelle's tale of the quest for after lunch chocolate was hilarious! I don't understand why some are so angry at her. She didn't make YOU eat the candy bars...
I thought the blog entry was a light-hearted tale of choices. When she wrote about pushing the "wrong" button and thus being able to buy two candy bars, I laughed out loud -- yes! it's just like winning the lottery...
Some of us know what we should and shouldn't eat. Some of us don't always make the right choices, me included. For example, I just finished a bottle of regular Coca-Cola. I know it's on the "no-no" list but I don't care. It's not like I'm drinking two liters or more per day like I used to...I can't remember the last time I had a cola -- sometime before I was diagnosed. (I was originally trying to give it up because of my caffeine addiction...)If drinking one cola or eating one piece of chocolate kills me, then I'm dead.
I know this disease is serious business but I like the sassy writing style Michelle uses. I learn a lot more from her breezy blogs than from being lectured about what I should and should not do. I, for one, look forward to reading more about Michelle's experiences dealing with diabetes.
My view is simply this,
Im going to say that at some point in our lives most of us at some point in time or in the day made a WRONG choice.
We all do it sometimes,so why spend time trying to tell someone that their making a bad choice,when they propbably already know it?????
Does the world have to be so judgemental towards people who are aware their making bad choices???
Now if we were all PERFECT,then we wouldnt have to worry about anyone making a wrong choice now would we,propbably not.
I myself am imperfect and choose to remain that way,life is too short to try and even be perfect.I will never please everybody at one time and never will the world.
So let us wrong choice makers make our wrong choices,and everyone that doesnt do the same wrong Im sure does another kind.
Thanks that will be all.