To the boy running away:

I hope your mom packed you a liverwurst sandwich.

I hope you get eaten by a Piranha Plant when you next play Super Mario Bros.

I hope the class finds out about Mr. Hoppy, the pee-stained stuffed rabbit doll you’ve been sleeping with since you were 2. I’m sure the girl you like would be very interested in knowing all about Mr. Hoppy. What’s her name again? Emma?

I hope a televised presidential address cuts right into a crucial moment in your favorite TV show.

I hope you wake up with incurable bedhead.

I hope you have an unstoppable case of the giggles during Sunday mass.

I hope you step in gum.

I hope it’s fresh gum that had just been spat out.

I hope you made investments with Bernie Madoff.

I hope you have a surprise math test.

I hope your Hershey Kiss melted in your pocket.

I hope the snowstorm closes school for everyone but you.

I hope you had money on the Colts.

You will never again run away from Charlie, saying that you don’t want to catch diabetes. Just as Charlie told you in the bathroom at school as you were sprinting away, diabetes is not contagious. Listen to me. Diabetes is not contagious!

Tell your friends.

I’m so mature. Pisses me off though. All it takes is for this one kid to take this idea of diabetes being contagious to the playground, and we’ll have a big problem. Charlie was fine with this one isolated incident and handled it perfectly, but just imagine if it was a group of kids running away from him for fear of catching diabetes.

That, would crush him.