Since I've been back home, I've had both the time and energy to start exercising again. Motivation is another story, but I think I'm doing fairly well. My mom and I are walking a lot of nights. And lately, I've taken up biking when she doesn't want to walk.

The scale hasn't budged much, except that I did drop some water weight and an extra pound since moving back home. That's also due to the better eating, better sleeping, and general situation. But it's still nice to see when the scale weighs in closer to my goal. I'm only 2 pounds from "happy" and 7 pounds from "perfect."

The interesting part is the blood sugars. Last night, I biked for the first time in a long while. I only made it about 20 minutes before I decided to head home, but that 20 minutes kicked me hard. I got home, collapsed on the cold tile, and just let the A/C wash over me. I was definitely feeling the extent of the bike ride.

My blood sugar dipped from 255 (after a low bolus for dinner in preparation) to 145. My body was telling me that a drop was inevitable...experience helped too. So I drank a small juice and went on my way. A little while later, I was 192. Much more comfortable number before bed.

I stayed up for awhile longer and felt the need to check again. I just wasn't sure what the bike ride might do. 114. Yikes. Way too low for me at bedtime, especially with the morning numbers that I've been having (in the 80s and 90s dropping from the 200 range). I ate some cookies.

I got off the phone with Marvin sometime later, layed in bed sorting through our conversation and the whole day's events, and remembered that I hadn't done my Lantus for the evening. I was exhausted. My eyes were heavy, my body was relaxed. I did not want to get up for an insulin injection.

I weighed the options in my head, trusting the logbook that I've been keeping and the feeling in my gut. 114, a 15 carb snack, a bike ride. I skipped the Lantus.

About seven hours later, I woke to a slightly low feeling. Nothing alarming, but I knew I wasn't at 114 anymore. The meter confirmed: 83.

I know that exercise really lowers resistance and helps me keep my blood sugars in better shape. I know because I've been here before. But the thing that worries me and confuses me is that I'm dropping to 83 overnight without any insulin injection. I'm waking up almost every morning between 80 and 100. And that just scares the living daylights out of me.

I remember what the seizures were like when I was a teenager. They hurt, they were frightening, and they were difficult for me and everyone around. The way that your neck feels like you were in a car wreck, the ache in your head, the puking, the lasting confusion. It's not a feeling that I like to remember, but especially one I don't want to experience again.

I also know of all the night lows where I've woken drenched in sweat with the sheets soaked. I know the way that my legs feel like jelly as I try to make it to the fridge. I know how tired you are the next day when a low has woken you like that. It's the guilt of overtreating because 45 scares you to death. It's the nasty 250 you see in the morning.

I hate those feelings and I'm all too prone to them to take risks. My endo and I developed a system awhile back to prevent those types of situations. And yet, they still creep up on me. And right now, I am just deathly afraid that any night is going to be that night.

I am tempted again to let the Lantus go, to skip the injection and risk the high. I biked again tonight and so far I'm hanging in the 80 to 120 range. I'm scared to sleep. And I do not want to live that way.

Depending on what I jump to right before bed, I might skip the injection again. I know that I need to change the insulin around, but the rest of my numbers are so beautiful that I'm enjoying it just too much. The fear is getting to me though. And I know that skipping Lantus has lasting effects...that Lantus can last for days in your system so the more I skip, the more risk I run. But right now, I think it's the only way to sleep through the night.