It's my time...to remind myself that every caregiver needs a break.

I've been my own diabetes caregiver since about the age of 13. I remember the day quite vividly that changed it all. TCH (my pediatric endos at the time) made the switch from "sugar abstinence" to "carb counting." Otherwise known as Intensive Insulin Management.

I had to attend a class about carb counting, A1c goals, and overall "intensive management." My mom usually went to every diabetes-related doctor's visit or informational. But this time, the class was on a Saturday. Her job at the time didn't allow Saturdays off, so my dad took me instead.

Which is where everything changed. Because my mom had mostly managed this disease up until this point (I'd done my own blood sugar checks and insulin injections for awhile, but I wasn't making any insulin changes or stressing about the numbers). When she missed the class, all the responsibility of "Intensive Insulin Management" fell on my shoulders.

So for the past 7+ years, I've been watching the carbs, averaging the numbers, and making the necessary changes (well for the most part, because I've taken a few years and moments off in that time frame). I've been my own caregiver, my own support, and my own diabetes doctor. Sometimes, it's really tough.

Sometimes I get burned out. I want to quit. I want to throw in the towel. Sometimes I look at the logbook, see the lack of patterns or the crazy spikes and just want to scream. I want to let it go and live my life.

But sometimes, it's really awesome. Because I know when my A1c hit 6.9% back in 2007, I did that completely on my own. Those decisions were mine. When I see a post prandial come down to 106, I want to pat myself on the back. Or when I opt for the better diabetes choices (building good habits, eating the right meals, and making swift changes), I get to know that it's all me.

With the other health issues that I've had in the past few years, I've had to increase my caregiving strategies. I have to decide if and when to take or change medications. I have to set doctor's appointments, track bill payments, and organize my life accordingly. There's a lot that goes into both diabetes and my other conditions.

That means that sometimes I need to remind myself to take a day off. Even worse, I have to remind others that I need a day off every now and then too (okay, I actually need one at least once a week, but I generally push myself much further than that). My day off goes something like this: sleep in, avoid getting dressed, watch tv, read a book, be annoyed by the cat, waste countless hours on the internet, and go to sleep early.  Those kinds of days are absolutely necessary for me to recharge my batteries.

Without them, I feel my stress levels rise. Literally, I feel the weight of all I have to do crush my shoulders. The burden of my life presses on my chest. The papers I have due, the exams I have coming up, the bills I have to pay, the numbers I need to log, the people I need to see. It all weighs on my body, making my health complicated and de-prioritized.

For me, as a caregiver, I have to recharge or the burn out gets too much to handle. I push the daily tasks aside (like cleaning my apartment or reading for classes) and stop living the life I want to live. I spend a lot of time reading or watching tv. I hang out with friends more. Generally, I just avoid every responsibility. Until I get that day off.

Lately, I've missed days off. I've been somewhere every day. My apartment is a mess. I'm behind in all my classes. Who knows if my bills are paid. And there are piles of laundry on my bedroom floor.

So tomorrow, I'm taking a day off. I'll spend half the day in bed. But the other half, I'm spending on the laundry and the cleaning. Because part of being a caregiver is making sure that my environment is optimal for taking care of myself. It isn't the kind of day off that I prefer, but it's the modified version of what I need. A day to be myself without interference.