Yesterday we had a special “God and Country” service at church. We typically do a similar service under the flag pole on the 4th of July each year but this year we decided to do that service on Sunday instead so hopefully more of the congregation can enjoy and participate in this moving service.

The service starts outside under the flag pole. The local boy scouts troop retires the flag we fly, presents it to a veteran in our congregation, and posts a new flag. I love this stuff because, although I may not seem like it, I am a very patriotic person.

After that we all went into the church to continue the service. Myself, my daughter, and a few other singers all stood upfront and sang all of the theme songs from each military branch. As we sang them we had any veterans from each branch stand to be recognized.

As we were singing “Into the Wild Blue Yonder” which is the song for the Air Force, my voice cracked. My throat was filled with a lump the size of a softball and I stopped singing. I tried to hold back the tears and lip sync through the rest of it but just looked down instead like I could not read the words on my sheet of paper. Luckily the song ended and we moved on to another song which I was able to sing.

I should have been in the Air Force. That was my plan. Diabetes took that away from me and every Memorial Day or anytime the military is honored I remember back to when I found out that my plans were ruined because of this disease.

After we sang all the songs I sat in the pew next to my son. The service continued and in my head I replayed that day I talked to my recruiter and told him that I had not talked to him in a while because I was diagnosed. When I heard the long pause on the phone I knew something was wrong. When he told me that the Air Force, nor any other branch of the military would take me I fell apart. I was crushed.

I still feel like diabetes took away my chance to really serve this country the way I wanted too. I hate it for that.

A single tear escaped me and before I could wipe it off I felt my son’s eyes looking at me. I could actually feel him saying, “I know dad and I’m sorry” although he said nothing. He knows how I feel about this stuff and he knows talking about it will not make me feel better. It’s one of the added complications to having diabetes. Heartbreak should be added to the list of complications.

I have plenty to be thankful for and I hope that just knowing in my heart that had I not gotten this disease that I would have served is enough to one day get me through one of these moments without anger.

But I will not bet on it.