Before you read any further, I want you to know that this is not a terribly uplifting post. And I won't fault you if you decide to stop reading now.

One of the worst parts of having diabetes, for me, is how vulnerable it makes me feel. In the past, I've expressed my fears related to this disease on this blog and my personal blog. I am not a person that lets fear deter me. I push on, I make my way in spite of the fact that I sometimes feel overwhelmed by the possibility of disaster that life presents.

But, you know, life with diabetes presents a whole other set of disastrous possibilities. (READ MORE)

I hate today.

My annual eye exam is this afternoon and every time I have to have this done, it seems I get more freaked out about it. I have a “thing” about my eyes. Let me put it to you this way, the first time I got contact lenses it took me literally 1 hour to get one in! It's embarrassing to admit that but it is the truth.

The fear I have is two fold. The uncomfortable procedure itself and whatever the doctor will find.

I cannot stand those thick eye drops. It is like molasses. Thick sticky muck being dropped in my eyes. I hate it. And it stings. At least to me it stings and there is little worse then eyes that are stinging in my humble opinion.

  (READ MORE)

I have many routines each day.

I check my BG as soon as I wake up. I make sure I always weigh myself before the shower (you know for that EXACT body weight). I listen to NPR on my way into work. I am a total creature of habit.

One habit I have, or routine, is identifying myself. I do this every morning and it is always a choice I make. Every time I make this choice, I am reminded of why I have made it and what it means to me. (READ MORE)

hisks

Yesterday I posted about my toe problem and I wanted to dig a little deeper into the fear that accompanies any little thing like a spot on my toe.

Ever since I was diagnosed with this stupid disease I have be told horrible stories of all the complications that can happen to me. Going blind, losing a limb, kidney’s failing, heart disease, neuropathy, stroke and more. All very real and very scary stuff.

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straymuse

My view of diabetes changes with the tides it seems. Sometimes I look at it as a lifestyle that I must adopt to stay healthy. Sometimes I look at it as a challenge in which I can take on and beat. Other times I look at it as a curse.

Right now, I look at my diabetes as a battle. A battle that I don't want to fight. Not now.

The problem is all of the fighting will never stop. We just fight and fight and there is no winning. No matter how much I stay in control or how much exercise I do, I will still have diabetes. My a1c can be the same as someone without diabetes but my battle will continue. (READ MORE)

So, as predicted, my blood sugar was lowish most of Friday morning. In fact, I believe my fasting was under 90, so I had to eat a granola bar before going for my walk. I stayed under 100 until lunch time.

It was totally crazy. Thank you stress and nerves!

I knew I'd need some complex carbs to get me through the afternoon without going low. So I went for my favorite soft pretzel spot for lunch. So, so yummy. And so, so rough on my blood sugar. I can usually count on hanging out in the 200s for about five or six hours no matter what I do when I have one of those pretzels.

Just before leaving for the doctor's office, I checked my sugar and was around 240. I really hadn't wanted to be that high, but was slightly comforted knowing that I wouldn't go low during the procedure. (READ MORE)