As I stood in the bathroom Friday night, I had to count on my fingers. The math was too much for me any other way. Tuesday, Wednesday... one, two, three. I had to count twice because I didn't believe that I had gotten 11 days out of my Dexcom sensor.

I was still getting mostly good readings, but Friday things had started to get a little farther off than I like and I had put extra tape on the peeling sensor to keep it on as long as I could.

I was beyond thrilled with how things had gone over the last 11 days. I had not often gone over 200 and when I did I knew why. And my lows were kept at bay. I really felt like I was getting out of Dex what I should have been getting out of it all along. I had this goal in front of me to lower my A1C and I felt like Dex was helping me achieve that goal.

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last night I screamed. I screamed in the kitchen last night. I beat my fists against my legs and pounded my feet against the cold tile floor like a child in the midst of a temper tantrum. I clenched my fists and screamed.
 

silently.
 

a tedious task that needed steady hands. interrupted. I screamed last night.
 

silently.
 

nothing to do but sit on the couch. and wait. and scream. unsure of when the shaking will be gone so I can pick up and continue with my task. with life.
 

I am screaming now. 76 and a nose dive showing on Dex. I do not want to eat. I am not hungry. The thought of sugar makes me want to vomit.
 

I am screaming now.
 

silently. (READ MORE)

Driving over the highway on a route I usually don't take I was thinking about the letter I had just drafted to the bank that holds our mortgage in Missouri. I was pleading with the bank president because we see no hope for selling that house and even if we do we won't recoup the money we've put into it in the last 15 months.

I had butterflies. I felt strange. I felt light and heavy. It was a weird feeling considering how confident I felt as I was writing the letter. That's when it dawned on me that I actually felt low. It wasn't about the letter after all.

I try not to test while I'm driving -- especially on the highway -- but as soon as I realized what was happening I knew I needed to test right that second.

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Pancreas: Ahem, hey Michelle I think you need to check your sugar.

Me: Nah, I'm OK.

Pancreas: No, really, I know that I don't really work and all that, but, uh, you should take a second and check.

Me: Seriously dude, I'm fine.

Pancreas: Look, you were 110 about an hour ago and about 90 minutes before that you were 122. So, uh, considering that you're shaking and all, I think it would be wise for you to stop and check your sugar.

Me: Look, yourself PUNK! I'm busy and I don't want to.

Pancreas: Michelle, serious--

Me: Would you shut up already! I'm focused on this right now. I want to do this at this moment. I want to be finished doing what I'm doing so I can move on to something else. I ordered pizza tonight so I didn't have to cook so I could have enough time to do what I'm doing right. at. this. moment.

Pancreas: Bu-- (READ MORE)

Michelle Kowalski

There really just is no way to describe the way an extreme low feels. It was surreal, like I was outside of myself; like I was watching myself through a camera mounted on my head--that carnival ride-like feeling you get when you watch a video of someone, say, walking through the woods from their point of view; like part of me was asleep while the conscious part of me fought like mad to make things right.

I saw the 29 and while I almost immediately pulled the strip out of the meter, for just a second I thought the number was the code for the strips. I, obviously, wasn't thinking clearly.

"29," I said to The Mr. (READ MORE)

Late Friday night, The Mr. came to bed and snuggled up close to me.

"You scared me this afternoon," he said quietly into my ear.

I had been asleep for some time, but his footsteps woke me. Or perhaps I was sleeping lightly.

"I know," I said. "I was scared, too."

We shared one of those moments Friday afternoon that makes you see so many things in a different way, makes you appreciate even more the people who are there for you.

That morning, I had been feeling a little down about some things. After dropping off No. 2 at the sitter after preschool, I called The Mr. just to chat, but he could hear it in my voice and asked me to come by his office.

"You seem really down," he said hugging me.

"I am," I said. (READ MORE)