I have not had good blood sugar the last four days. Watching the little blips on Dex go crazy high and then plummet below my "low" mark has been nerve wracking to say the least.

What did I eat? Did I not exercise enough? Did I overdo my exercise? Am I stressed? Is it hormones? Is my meter calibrated right? Did I calibrate Dex right? What did I eat? Did I forget to bolus? Did I miscalculate carbs?

What did *I* do?

The last four days I blamed myself for my roller coaster blood sugars. They were horrible, really. Highs so high and not responding to insulin. And then when those highs finally started coming down I felt comfortable enough to eat and my sugar would shoot back up. I think Dex woke me up most of those four nights.

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As I stood in the bathroom Friday night, I had to count on my fingers. The math was too much for me any other way. Tuesday, Wednesday... one, two, three. I had to count twice because I didn't believe that I had gotten 11 days out of my Dexcom sensor.

I was still getting mostly good readings, but Friday things had started to get a little farther off than I like and I had put extra tape on the peeling sensor to keep it on as long as I could.

I was beyond thrilled with how things had gone over the last 11 days. I had not often gone over 200 and when I did I knew why. And my lows were kept at bay. I really felt like I was getting out of Dex what I should have been getting out of it all along. I had this goal in front of me to lower my A1C and I felt like Dex was helping me achieve that goal.

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last night I screamed. I screamed in the kitchen last night. I beat my fists against my legs and pounded my feet against the cold tile floor like a child in the midst of a temper tantrum. I clenched my fists and screamed.
 

silently.
 

a tedious task that needed steady hands. interrupted. I screamed last night.
 

silently.
 

nothing to do but sit on the couch. and wait. and scream. unsure of when the shaking will be gone so I can pick up and continue with my task. with life.
 

I am screaming now. 76 and a nose dive showing on Dex. I do not want to eat. I am not hungry. The thought of sugar makes me want to vomit.
 

I am screaming now.
 

silently. (READ MORE)

Is that why my A1C jumped the way it did? Is that why I’m not more aggressive with my bolusing? Is that why I sometimes look at a 186 and decide not to correct?
 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not the perfect eater and that certainly has had an effect on my A1C, but do you remember how utterly shocked I was at my last endo appointment when Dr. R said 7.5? Well, I do! I could barely focus on anything she said after that because I was so dumbfounded. I even thought about asking her to repeat the test because it just couldn’t be true.
 

Since that time I’ve made an effort to be more proactive with my bolusing and to bolus prior to eating instead of after. It’s a little unnerving and out of my new comfort zone. It’s hard to get back into the habit of bolusing first.
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It woke me up just before 2 a.m.

I was uncomfortable and confused; hot.

The Mr. was sleeping soundly next to me, but I didn't have the strength to shake him awake.

My heart was pounding like a cartoon character in love -- in and out of my chest.

I felt like I was hyperventilating.

Finally awake and aware of what was happening to me, I eyed my meter; it was just an arm's length away but felt so, so far.

I tried to reach for it, but my arms flopped around like the bones and muscles had been removed.

So tired. I just wanted to sleep. I felt like a coma.

The Mr. was still sleeping and I still didn't have the strength to shake him awake.

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Driving over the highway on a route I usually don't take I was thinking about the letter I had just drafted to the bank that holds our mortgage in Missouri. I was pleading with the bank president because we see no hope for selling that house and even if we do we won't recoup the money we've put into it in the last 15 months.

I had butterflies. I felt strange. I felt light and heavy. It was a weird feeling considering how confident I felt as I was writing the letter. That's when it dawned on me that I actually felt low. It wasn't about the letter after all.

I try not to test while I'm driving -- especially on the highway -- but as soon as I realized what was happening I knew I needed to test right that second.

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