happysnappr

I really don't like going to the doctor. The endocrinologist to be specific. Every time I go, I just seem to leave disappointed. Sometimes it's less disappointment than others. Sometimes I'm just so angry at myself and at this disease. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I get mad at the doctor (because OF COURSE, it's HIS fault I'm diabetic!). But mostly, the doctor just makes me feel alone in what I feel.

Today I had an endo appointment (if you didn't already guess). My last A1c was 6.9, my lowest ever. I was absolutely thrilled at that number, yet the perfectionist in me still wanted lower. And I honestly tried for lower (less in the last month or so though). But life got in the way.

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k. james

The waiting room in endocrinology was like an assembly line of children with diabetes. Each time one child went in, another appeared. Then another and another and another. Very sad.

I zoomed in on a cute little girl with shoulder-length hair and a top with purple and red hearts as she buried her face into her father's shirt as he talked to the receptionist. Maybe just diagnosed? Don't know for sure. She had a sort of worry that should never be on a child's face.

I leaned over to Susanne to point out the girl, but she said "I know." 

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Our view of the endocrinologist and the diabetes educator’s role has gone through many peaks and valleys in the last five years. Like the various stages of grief, our emotions have fluctuated.

First came a frightened vulnerability.

"Oh my God! I can't believe this is happening. What do we do? Help us."

Then there was anger.

"We've done everything you said to do. It's not getting any better."

Then depression.

"This absolutely sucks."

Then skepticism.

"We're wasting our time. What can the doctors possibly tell us that we don't already know? We know our son more than they do."

Then acceptance.

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bigmouththebook.com

With all the Hannah Montana and Halloween hullabaloo, I forgot to mention Charlie's last endo appointment. I actually like these appointments. It's a day off from work and a rare opportunity for Susanne and I to spend time with just Charlie. And there's always a hopeful thought that this time we'll get good A1c news.

Heading into Philadelphia on Route 95 we pass a factory on our left before the skyline comes into view with the sun reflecting brightly off of the Comcast Center building. I ask Charlie what he thinks the factory is making.

"I think it's a factory that makes other factories," he says.

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416style on Flickr

My latest A1c was 7.3. I'm feeling very neutral about it. It's neither high nor low to me. My goal is still 6.5, so the disappointment of being so far off from that is bothering me. But overall, I know that 7.3 is still down from where it was before (7.6) and in a moderately good range for me.

I know that getting below 7 is one of the hardest things to do, if not the hardest, so I can't be too hard on myself. It's very frustrating though that it is so hard to get there. Why can't this be a little easier? Or why can't I be a little better at getting things right? I know that I don't do everything right (I'm human!), but I also know that my slip-ups are exactly why my A1c is 7.3.

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