I hit "ESC" on Toohey to double check when my last bolus was. Yep, right on time. I suspect I'll be slightly high since I changed my site this morning and had a fast-food breakfast. But when I see 304 I'm shocked. I squeezed out another glob of blood and checked again. This time 302. Son of a f*%#ing b*&%h!
I had taken 9.5 units to correct for a hideous fasting (which is why I changed my site a day early; I'd been running high since I put that site in on Sunday morning) and for the excessive amount of carbs I was eating for breakfast. I had even logged on to the restaurant's web site for nutrition information before bolusing.
I'm so livid now that I can't finish doing what I was doing. I can't think. What the hell is wrong? Two things came to mind:
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Throughout my diabetes life, I've developed some bad habits. I'm a perfectionist and hate having them linger over my diabetes. I've decided that I need to break these bad habits if I truly want to excel on my pump and in life. I'm at a point where I realize all the great things I'm looking forward to: establishing a career, starting a family, building my dream home. I don't want to miss one second of my future because I made poor decisions with my diabetes. So I'm challenging myself to make a list of the five habits of my diabetes life and work on curbing each one:
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Olivia is again forgetting to bolus for meals and/or high blood sugars. She came to me tonight, saying I needed to raise her basal rates because she was running high. I've started logging again (another post for another day) and knew that she'd forgotten to bolus once on Monday. Last night, she was 415 and throwing up because she forgot to bolus for her high blood sugar and her dinner, which she'd eaten two hours earlier. I can't really make basal changes when the data I'm looking at is skewed by absent boluses.
I'm not really sure what to do about this. I do not want to punish or yell at her - that seems as though it would be counterproductive. But I need some way to get her to remember to do this. I can't sit on top of her at every check and every bolus - she's 13, not an infant.
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This morning was the first in the roughly two weeks that we've been in our new house that I actually had time to sit down at the kitchen table to eat a bowl of oatmeal instead of quickly slapping some cream cheese on a bagel and scarfing it down in the car during my one-hour commute. Let me tell you, bolusing while driving is not easy.
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In an effort to pry Olivia off the computer and out into the real world, I took her with me this morning to the Y. I've been going pretty religiously for a few months now but only recently discovered that I really dig
swimming laps. It's rather ridiculous how much I enjoy it, actually, given my complete and utter lack of anything resembling athletic ability (or coordination, for that matter).
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Up until dinner time tonight, I was having a great day. Nothing out of the ordinary. And then I got an incredible shock.
I'd been snacking on some candy all day, but I thought I had been bolusing appropriately. Apparently not. I knew I'd be high going into dinner, but the highest I imagined was still lower than 250. I thought my meter was pulling my leg when I saw 448.
"Holy fffffffffffff..........." I said as I actually jumped as if someone had jumped out of the bushes and scared me.
"What? What? Are you high?" The Mr. wanted to know.
I nodded. I could feel my face getting red with embarassment. I looked at my pump (like it would have the answer!) and then my site. Surely there was something wrong with my site. I had just changed it about six hours ago and hadn't checked my sugar since. My site was obviously the problem.
I checked my sugar again, thinking maybe something was on my fingers and trying to retrace where my hands had been over the last hour.
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I wish I could attach Olivia's log for this week so you could see what I'm referring to. She's had some massive changes in blood sugar levels. Tonight, she was 39. When she got home from school, she was a decent 174. Last night? 329. Oy.
I'm pretty sure the day she claimed to be putting in her numbers and bolusing, she really didn't because I haven't seen anything else like that. I haven't said anything to her to that effect, though. I don't want to accuse her of something that I have no way of proving. And if she is right and the pump is starting to go, I don't want her to think I'm doubting her about it. If she thinks I don't believe her, she tends not to tell me things, which is not what I want right now. Or ever, for that matter.
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Every day, I live my life with diabetes the same way. I
test my blood sugar, I treat lows and I change infusion sets. It is a part of me. Sometimes, it is all of me. I get frustrated on a regular basis with the highs and lows or the way it interrupts my entire life from school to dating to sleep.
It amazes me though when I look back on all those days. It makes me smile. As frustrated as I get and all the tears I cry, I don't remember diabetes as my past. Surely, it's there. I just don't remember the daily parts of the disease.
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