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I've really been struggling with my numbers lately. The Symlin has complicated things by causing prolonged highs after meals. My Lantus doesn't seem adequate, although last week it was too efficient. There is just no medium ground with the D lately.

I've finally gotten a few meals on Symlin at 30 mcg without the severe nausea that I was experiencing earlier. I'm not quite ready to raise it to 45 mcg though. I'm hoping for Tuesday if tomorrow shows continued improvement. I know that I can get the highs under control once I have the Symlin straightened out.

The waiting is killing me though. Literally. I hate running high. I hate the way I feel when I'm high like this. The fuzz that won't budge. The thirst that can't be quenched. The nausea that comes up suddenly.

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Today, I was supposed to raise my Symlin from 30 mcg to 45 mcg. Instead, I'm keeping it at 30 mcg for now. Since I've raised it, I've had some severe nausea and that lightheaded feeling that I hate so much. Especially after dinner.

From what I've read, it's best to stay at the lower dose if you're experiencing nausea and give it a few days to subside. I suppose I will just stay at 30 mcg until I'm not experiencing such intense bouts of stomach pain. I don't want to delay the results of the higher dose, but I also don't want to end up worse for the wear because I'm unable to finish meals, keep meals down, etc.

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I haven't ever been the kind of person to party, drink to excess, or stay out at the clubs all night. Maybe it's something in my personality or the way I was raised, but I never really had the interest. I never had that crazy party phase. I don't really want to, although I do enjoy a good night out with friends.

Like last night, I went out with some girl friends to watch a local band (one of the girl's husbands is in the band). We met at a Mexican food place then walked over to the bar. The girl I'm friends with is diabetic too, which is a nice thing when you're drinking and dancing and you know someone else there gets this disease.

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This is a breakdown of my first use of the Dexcom CGM. It's had its ups and downs, as you'll see. It's been peace of mind and obsession all in one. Mostly, it's been eye opening to what my diabetes is really like these days.

Day 1: I was really excited to start the first sensor. I went through all the setup process. I waited for the receiver to charge, downloaded the software, and prepped my skin for the sensor. The sensor comes with its very own insertion device. The insertion is nothing like the Minimed CGM that I used before. You see the needle in the device, just like you see the needle with the Minimed. However, this isn't a fast, hard insertion. It's up to your own fingers to stick the needle in. Surprisingly, past the initial sting of the needle, it really doesn't hurt at all. Much less than the Minimed for sure.

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My numbers have been a horrid mess lately. I keep complaining about them, blogging about it, and staring at them on the meter screen. But nothing seems to change.

I'm not talking about the kind of mess that's like "Oh yea I'm waking up high or man those 200s won't come down." I'm talking about easily sliding into the high 200, 300 and even 400 range. I'm talking about my body just being riddled with the after effects of all these highs. I'm talking about a constant battle with torrential numbers.

I just can't seem to find the middle ground with my diabetes lately. Well, to be honest, with my entire life. I still haven't found a job. I haven't made any new best friends. More often than not, I am sitting in my apartment reading or watching TV with the cat. More often than not, I'm distracting my loneliness and my stress with food, inactivity, and general bad habits.

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This is a little heavy for a Friday, but …

I was in a bad way last night. A real bad way.

It used to be that I could somewhat handle Charlie being high. I would put my faith in corrective units of insulin and could rationalize that it was only temporary.

Not anymore. I can’t take much more of this. My state of mind last night was proof of this.

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I am so fatigued lately. I've been fighting these highs for a week now. It's definitely taking a toll on my body. I am generally tired, feeling antsy, and getting a little bit irritable. I still really have no clue where they are coming from either.

It started last Saturday after a high carb breakfast. A number that just wouldn't come down. I fought it all day. By Sunday, things were better but bounced again on Monday. And all throughout the week, it seemed to bounce back and forth. Wednesday was great, but Thursday was nasty.

Thanks to all the highs, I ended up running out of insulin on my trip to my new town (for my two job interviews). Before I left, I knew the bottle was low but it should have easily lasted me the two days that I'd be up there and then some. Instead, Thursday afternoon brought about a seemingly empty bottle of Humalog.

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Through the powers of the D online community, I've become very close with a type 1 who lives across the world from me. Okay, she lives in Ireland. It's a nine hour plane ride, across an entire ocean, and certainly a different world from Texas. This is beside the point. She and I have become close friends through a series of emails.

We tend to be each other's sounding board. When we struggle with an issue, emails fire away and IMs ensue. Even if we're half a world away, the emotions and the issues remain the same. We still understand where the other one is at through what we've faced ourselves. We get the fear, the rage, the frustration. Even the joy.

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I've been running high again for the last few days. Part of it is my fault and part of it isn't. The part that is came about because of the part that isn't. I got so frustrated that insulin just didn't seem to be working again that I just stopped caring. Boluses would be late. I forgot my Lantus twice last week (granted I was extra busy and extra stressed).

I just feel like if diabetes doesn't cooperate, why the heck should I keep trying so hard? Sometimes I just want a break of the whole thing. Sometimes I just want to throw in the towel and say that I'm not going to stress over it. That I refuse to surrender my life to diabetes if it refuses to play fair.

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I don't usually see a lot of symptoms with high blood sugars. There are stages to the highs for me. Anything between goal and 200, I feel fairly normal. Above 200, I start seeing a few symptoms but nothing noticeable. When I hit above 260, I start seeing a lot more. The nausea sometimes sets in. I get headaches. I'll get antsy in the pit of my stomach. And above 400, the nausea almost always leads to throwing up (luckily I've only experienced this a few times in my history of diabetes).

My Accutane dosage was increased last week, which sent my blood sugars into another tailspin. Where I was seeing quite a few lows and lower need for insulin, I'm back to bumping up the boluses and shifting the basal levels of Lantus. It's frustrating. But worse, I believe I'm seeing a different kind of high symptom that I absolutely despise.

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