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February 10th, 2012
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1.       Well, my new physician’s assistant. I don’t actually see my endo, just the PA.

 

2.       My old PA moved on to hospital management.

 

3.       When my new PA made me wait 15 minutes before coming into the patient room I got pretty aggravated. My old PA was in the room within 5 minutes.

 

4.       We talked for a long time. Actually, she talked and I listened and answered questions. Since we are new to each other she was information gathering, which is fine. But it can be kind of a pain in the ass to go through your medical history all the time.

 

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It has only been a couple months since I took an unintended break from Metformin. I had taken about a week off because I couldn't seem to get to the pharmacy to pick up the prescription, and when I finally did start taking Metformin again it upset my stomach something fierce. So I decided to take a longer break. Actually, I figured I could just give it up completely because spending that much time in the bathroom and feeling as rotten as I did wasn't worth it.

 

At first my sugars seemed to be doing fine. But lately I'm not doing so good in the blood sugar management department. Particularly with fastings. Whoo boy have they been high. I figured it was a pattern of eating slow-absorbing carbs in the evening. I have been going to bed with acceptable readings and waking with atrocious readings. I didn't think about Metformin until this morning.

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I've been dealing with a multitude of things over the past weeks. Some health issues that I wasn't exactly prepared for. Work keeping me both busy and stressed. And an attempt at getting back on track with my diabetes and exercise.

 

Honestly, it hasn't been an easy few weeks. I'm relying on my support system, which is amazing. But I'm also having to cope on my own to stay afloat. I've spent a lot of time reading fiction to keep my mind distracted, doing some retail therapy, and sleeping when I can.

 

My friends have been great letting me lean on them throughout all the stress that I'm under right now. Marvin has felt most of that, yet he's sticking by me and I'm very thankful for everything he does for me. I can't imagine what I'd do without him.

 

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I took a little unintentional break from Metformin recently. I can’t remember how long it was, but probably at least a week-ish. Frankly, I renewed the prescription and then didn’t have the chance to get to the pharmacy and then when I was near the pharmacy completely forgot that I had a prescription to pick up. Despite the calls from the pharmacy telling me it was ready.

 

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I’ve had a really hard time with my writing/not writing lately. In December I blogged only once, and so far this month I’ve blogged twice.

 

This is kind of weird for me because I’m so used to writing so often. It hurts, actually, that I haven’t been doing more of it. It’s not for lack of trying, though. I’ve written countless Post-It notes to myself with blog topics and have every intention of writing when I get home and then I don’t.

 

And it’s not like I’m forgetting to do it, I just don’t do it. Or I decide that I’d rather do something else. I think about the Post-It note stuck to my calendar and about all the things I would say in the blog and how wonderfully eloquent I would be. And then I just don’t do it.

 

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I should be at the gym right now, but I'm not. Instead, I'm bringing up a low after a torrential afternoon high. And I'm fighting back an endless downpour of tears. Tonight, I am struggling. Tonight, I am broken.

 

Unfortunately, this struggle isn't so new to me lately. I've been struggling for awhile now. I've been fighting off the heartbreak week after week. Tonight, I just don't seem to have the energy anymore. Life is getting to me. Stress is getting to me. Diabetes is definitely getting to me.

 

There is no overwhelming grief at the moment. No one thing that makes my heart break into a thousand pieces and my stomach turn the way it currently is. It's just all these small things lately that are adding up and keeping me from feeling the way that I know I should be feeling.

 

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I haven’t been very good about sharing our CGM experiences so far. Sorry about that. So busy lately. There’s always something going on. Today we celebrated Ben’s fifth birthday with a carnival-themed party in the back yard. I’m still picking whipped cream from my ears and eyeballs from the pie throw game. Seemed like a good idea on paper. Man, those kids launched those pies at me with a vengeance!

 

So, the CGM (continuous glucose monitor).

 

Started off really good. Got a little bad. Then good again. And bad at the moment. Not so much the accuracy of it. That’s been surprisingly on the money for the most part. Just some of the baggage and burdens of it affecting Charlie.

 

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Today was my last dermatology appointment for the Accutane. I'm a mixture of excited and sad. I'm excited because the Accutane has been such a hassle. Monthly doctor's appointments and blood draws, debilitating side effects, and just the stress of putting this into my system. So now it's over. Awesome.

 

Except that my dermatologist isn't exactly happy with my results. Yes, I'm much improved. 90% in fact. But according to him, he likes to end things at 100%. He even suggested staying on it longer or switching brands.

 

Right now, I'm just not up for that though. My body needs a break. I need a break. To just feel normal again. To not be so tired, so fatigued. To go one day without a headache or muscle ache or joint pain. For my body to just feel closer to whole rather than endlessly worn out.

 

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Today, I'm feeling very raw. You know that kind of emotion that leaves everything sitting on the edge, just waiting to burst through the dam? Today is one of those days. Where I could laugh, sing, cry, weep, or punch somebody at the drop of a hat.

 

It's an emotional state that's been building over the past few weeks. And today is the culmination of all that time compressed into a few moments of completely raw emotion.

 

School was rough the last few weeks. With an insane amount of tests and papers, I was running myself ragged trying to keep up, catch up, and finish up. Although it's over, I'm still a bit flustered from it all. Grades aren't published yet and the perfectionist in me is still angry over a bad test and a poor paper.

 

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Lindsey Guerin
Lindsey GuerinLindsey is a typical, yet unique, Texas girl who loves shopping, movies and reading. She loves to travel and take risks. She dreams of diabetes cures, never-ending cheesecake and her own airplane. The rest you can discover in her blog! (Read More)
Michelle Kowalski
Michelle KowalskiMichelle Kowalski, a writer, editor and photography hobbiest living in Phoenix, was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes in February 2005. In January 2008, as part of her quest to start on an insulin pump, Michelle learned that she actually has type 1 diabetes. (Read More)
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