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February 10th, 2012
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It seems that I've been a bit MIA over the past week. Honestly, until I sat down today I hadn't even thought about the blog other than reading you guys' encouraging comments over the week. Blogging, diabetes, all this is just far from my mind these days.

 

My last blog talked about how I was struggling with some severe loneliness and still very much adjusting to life and its changes. Well, I'm still struggling although I've made some lists, set some goals, and got my head back on my shoulders straight. My stress level hasn't quite caught up yet though.

 

Today, I went through my graduate program's new student orientation. As I listened to professors and other students, I realized that I was actually concerned that I'd taken on too much. I know that I'm a strong student, but so are a lot of those admitted to the program. And if they were saying working and taking 12 hours was tough, well I didn't want to risk it.

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My averages for the past two weeks were quite amazing. My only highs were generally after breakfast (still). Unfortunately, I had quite a few lows in there. But I have to say that working full time seems to keep my blood sugars at a more stable rate (even though I was moving boxes 70% of the time). And unfortunately, I think quite a few of the lows and falling averages were from stress.

 

Stress seems to work backwards on me. When I'm nervous, I drop like a rock. When I'm upset, I tend to average out at a lower level. I don't see a lot of highs when I'm under the pressure.

 

And lately, I've been extremely stressed. To the point that I'm getting ulcers in my mouth (a common occurrence for me during stressful times). I have so much going on in my life right now.

 

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It might help if you read this when you're mad! Reading this may also cause you great relief! (It did for me). I cried when I wrote it. I laughed hysterically. I also edited out the bad words that I would have normally said, just so kids and mom's could still read it! This one felt great! Oh, and you may want to punch something when your done too. I DID!

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I've blogged before about being an advocate for taking diabetes "breaks." Sometimes this disease can get overwhelming, annoying, and just plain upsetting. So every once and awhile, I take a little break. I don't test as often. I try not to get upset when I run high. And I stop worrying about the food I'm putting in my mouth. I even stop worrying about getting my usual exercise in.

 

The last week has been exactly that. And my averages are definitely running high. So I figure today is a good day to start getting myself prepared for getting back on track. One last day of diabetes irresponsibility. It's just one of those days where I'm tired of sitting around and doing nothing. I'm ready to start fresh.

 

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I spent quite a bit of last week in desperate sadness. My mom would call and I'd want to stay on the phone forever. When we'd hang up, I'd be overwhelmed. My mind raced with doubt of relationships, nostalgia for the past, and a general hatred for what my life was. It was the all too familiar signs of the mood issues I had that started the investigation into the rest of my health.

 

Back in 2006, I started having what I term "crying spells." Moments of complete hysteria brought on by absolutely nothing. Not the nothing of a stubbed toe or a snippy comment. The nothing of a perfectly fine life. And I'd suddenly be in tears. My overall mood stayed okay, determined by stress and outside forces. But these breaks were out of my own control, out of body experiences.

 

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I've been in an emotional slump these past few days. I'm staying really busy and trying to keep my mind on other things, but mostly I just want to move and have my old life back where I live alone, hang out with Marvin, and have fun with my friends. Even if it means working full time or going to graduate school. I just really need that.

 

Stress hits me hard sometimes. It can really affect my health. Not my blood sugars usually, but the joint pain and the emotions and all the other issues that I deal with spiral out of control when I'm stressed. And I'm feeling incredibly stressed this past week.

 

I know that this is a transition period for me. I know that things will work out. But right now, I am just feeling so vulnerable with everything. I haven't found the right job. I'm waiting to hear back about graduate school. I have no idea when I might be able to move. Vulnerability really doesn't sit well with me.

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As most of you know by now, I've been thrust into the job market after finishing my degree. It was something that I was prepared for, but definitely not at the same time. It's been hectic, stressful, and informative. Some days, I feel on top of the world. And others, I feel like the world is crashing in on me.

 

My degree was in sociology with a minor in women's and gender studies. I also spent a good deal focusing on health and illness. Now, what can I do with this? Well pretty much anything. There's communications, non-profit, public relations, government work, sales, and so on.

 

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I've been on the pump for nine months now. There are still things that I don't know about it and still things I don't do to make it work efficiently. Overall, I'm still happy that I jumped into getting it and that I stuck with it past the initial adjustment phase.

 

I do miss things about multiple daily injections, like the clothes I could wear or the ease of being prepared. Mostly, I miss that I could be completely free. No tubing to worry about, no infusion sets, no reservoirs to fill.

 

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You cannot even imagine the week that I have had. I'm still in disbelief over the turn of events going on with my family and myself at the moment. Let me recap for you.

 

A family member began showing signs of mental illness a few months ago. Along the way, we all wanted to believe that it was nothing although I kept urging that something wasn't right and something should be done. By this past weekend, things had suddenly escalated. So the family decided it'd be best to commit the person.

 

We're now struggling with the aftermath of what all this means. Not only the emotional aspect of watching a loved relative struggle with their own mind, but the physical and financial ramifications of this decision as well. We have no idea how long this might be. The family can't take on the financial burden and the relative is not fit to work for quite some time (she is currently in inpatient psychiatric care with no relief).

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Things have been good these past couple of days. I have been working, working out, and overall my blood sugars seem to be pretty stable. Life is not too bad at the moment. Just as many of you, I have my good and bad days. I wanted to take the chance today to write about the good. Work is, well, work. At times it plays havoc with my sugar and it can be very stressful, but overall I am satisfied. At the end of the day or the end of the work week life gets instantly better. As soon as I walk out the door and I'm on my way to doing something non-work related, the problems I had disappear. Which leads me to my ultimate stress relief time - my workouts.
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Brenda Bell
Brenda BellBrenda was diagnosed with high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and Type 2 diabetes in July 2002. After a rocky start, her diabetes has been diet-controlled since January 2004 and she hopes to keep it that way for as long as possible. (Read More)
Julia
JuliaJulia lives behind the Tofu Curtain, in the Pioneer Valley, in Western Massachusetts. It's a nice place. She likes it there. Her eldest daughter, Olivia, has type 1 diabetes. She's also 13. It's a real toss-up as to which is more difficult -- the diabetes or the teen-age drama. (Read More)
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