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For the past few years, I've gotten into the bad diabetes habit of skipping boluses. Not food boluses. But blood sugar boluses. I have the habit of foregoing boluses when my blood sugar is 160 and under. I'll see a 140 or 155 and skip the bolus instead of bringing it down to 100. But above 160, I'm good about bolusing to bring the number down (something about those 180s and 200s scare me into submission).

I know that this extremely bad habit leaves my averages a little higher than they should be. And I'm not sure exactly why I do this...maybe over the years, a 150 doesn't seem so bad. Maybe I just get tired of so many injections a day so I leave off the "unnecessary" ones. Maybe it's some habit that I started in my childhood.

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For the past few days, I've been battling a terrible thing (I'm being quite sarcastic here, with a little hint of truth). This thing comes around every once in awhile, but usually it comes with explanation (hello, Mother Nature!). However, this thing of late is out of the ordinary. This thing is hunger.

For the past week or so, I've been ravenously hungry all the time. Occasionally I get this way when it's that time of the month so I eat a little extra and go on my way. But this time, I'm perplexed. And annoyed.

Is it the extra exercise? Have I been skipping lunch? Am I not consuming enough calories in general? I'm quite annoyed because food is such an integral part of everything.

Food is expensive. Food is time-consuming. Food spikes blood sugars. Food can lower blood sugars (by this, I mean crazy crashes after boluses). Food is life. But now, food is just plain annoying.

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I am still not feeling quite right. My stomach is upset off and on. And since Sunday, I've had an almost constant feeling of emptiness or irritation inside my abdomen. Eating is not on my list of likes at the moment. Neither is diabetes.

With not eating normal meals plus the stress of my three interviews, I've changed my insulin some. Mainly, I've skipped or lessened some of what I'm taking to avoid lows or the feeling of being low even when I'm 200. I finally dropped below 200 yesterday, yet bounced back to 300 this morning.

I am quite sick. Of this stomach thing. Of high blood sugars. Of taking insulin. I am quite sick of living on a regimen or feeling so dependent on what my body decides to do with my day. I am quite sick of how diabetes and nausea and malaise run my life.

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Because of my recent tummy troubles, I've decided to put off the Metformin start for at least another week. So instead of starting Metformin today, I've decided to get back into the groove of the need for insulin. Instead of purposefully skipping Lantus doses and fudging my boluses, I'm going to get into the routine of doing these things right.

My current Lantus doses are split at midnight (16 units) and noon (18 units). However, I've had a lot of trouble remembering them or getting them on time lately without a schedule. So I think I need to try a one dose Lantus shot for awhile. I've done it before and it just doesn't give me as tight of control as I like, but it's better than no insulin at all.

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A big part of being unemployed and out of school right now is the incredible amounts of free time that I have. I'm not a "free time" kind of girl. I don't like watching TV all day or sleeping endlessly. I get bored just sitting around. I get bored going out to the same stores and not having any money to buy anything. All that free time adds up a lot of calories too which ruins my blood sugars and my waistline.

I've been here in my new apartment exactly two weeks. I've put out more resumes and applications. I've started the process to volunteer at a local hospice as well as the local JDRF. I've done a lot of reading as well. But overall, I've done a lot of horrible eating.

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Now that I've been there and done that as far as graduate school is concerned, I'm trying to focus on other aspects of my life. I've been a full time student for the majority of the last 18 years. I believe that it's time for me to look into other avenues. I believe it's time for me to start focusing on strengthening who I am as an individual to prepare for the rest of my life.

In doing that, I'd like to explain where I am in the furthering myself process. I attempted graduate school for a Master's of Social Work. I hated it and found it wasn't worth the time, energy, and money that I was putting into it. It wasn't hard, it was just pointless in my eyes. So I've decided that program isn't for me.

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