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I woke up at 383 today. To say the least, I'm angry. I have a reason as to why it was so high, but it still doesn't make complete sense. I ate a late high-carb meal last night (back to college life) and thought I'd judged my carbs correctly. I actually figured to wake up low. But obviously, diabetes had another plan in store for me.

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As I looked at my averages last night in preparation for my Friday endo check-up, I couldn't help but complain to myself that there is no pattern. Every day is different, often drastically so. I can't find any constant area. There aren't variables causing these random shifts, at least not to the naked eye.

First, there's my morning blood sugars. Sometimes I wake up low even after a bedtime snack with no bolus. And sometimes I wake up in the 200 or 300 range with no apparent cause. Because of my history of seizures and severe lows, I lean towards the lows though. At this point in my life, I'd rather wake up 300 occasionally instead of trying to raise my insulin to counteract those highs.

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Because of my recent tummy troubles, I've decided to put off the Metformin start for at least another week. So instead of starting Metformin today, I've decided to get back into the groove of the need for insulin. Instead of purposefully skipping Lantus doses and fudging my boluses, I'm going to get into the routine of doing these things right.

My current Lantus doses are split at midnight (16 units) and noon (18 units). However, I've had a lot of trouble remembering them or getting them on time lately without a schedule. So I think I need to try a one dose Lantus shot for awhile. I've done it before and it just doesn't give me as tight of control as I like, but it's better than no insulin at all.

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It's funny when your routine changes--either in a minor way or in a way that completely shifts your life--how hard it is to fit certain necessities back in.

We're sort of starting from scratch here in Arizona. New house, new jobs, new doctors, new almost everything. And since my benefits don't start until Sept. 1 (holy crap is 90 days a long time!), I've been without the nearly constant companionship of Dr. C for about six weeks now. While I know he's always available to me and said he would keep in touch and continue to monitor CareLink when I update until I get a new endo, the distance somehow makes things different.

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The ongoing issues with The Other Half's sciatica have come to a close, at least for now. It's taken two rounds of anaesthetic shots to the L5 nerve, and he's still prone to discomfort and fatigue after long periods standing, but he has been released to return to his "day job". He started Monday, on a 4 x 10, 1300 to 2300 shift. Since my shift is currently 1000 to 1800, this means that four days a week, I'll be on my own for dinner -- and hopefully asleep when he gets home. It also means having to take care not to wake him when I get up at 0600 to take my morning ride. (Unfortunately, neither of these has happened this week -- nor have my Monday or Thursday morning rides.)

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The past four days have been a real pain. I have no idea what my problem is, but I just can't seem to get my diabetes right. I had been going fine, doing everything correctly, testing like a mad woman, and getting great averages.

But something got a hold of me on Sunday night and hasn't let me go. I'm checking a lot still, but I'm seeing numbers like 180 or 220 instead of 100 or 120. I'm eating anything and everything I want. I'm not bolusing for snacks. I'm not calculating boluses correctly. Basically, I'm just slacking.

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I started using a pump back in October of 2007. It was a rough and terribly rocky start. The pump company wasn't helpful and left me stranded in the dark with this new technology. There were moments that it left me sobbing over the phone to my mother, claiming that I was seconds from throwing the expensive device against the wall. My A1c climbed from 6.9 to 7.6.

After about six months of that and some help from the online community, I finally got the pump closer to being stabilized to my life. It still wasn't pretty. My A1c plateaued around 7.3 and 7.4. I couldn't seem to make the pump fit with my life, despite what everyone was saying. Apparently, I wasn't as stable as I needed to be with my schedule.

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I've swallowed my pride and decided to apply for disability services here at school. They can offer me a few resources that I do not have access to otherwise. Most importantly, they give me the ability to register early for class and to notify my professor's that there is a legitimate health issue that I deal with.

The past two semesters, I've considered doing it, but I've also thought it was too embarrassing. But finally, things have gotten to the point where I'm realizing that it's not embarrassing, it's reality. So I've taken the initial steps to go through with it.

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Since I changed my endocrinilogist last year, I've really been happy with my experiences with Dr. K. She's the kind of doctor that means business but doesn't come off as if she's judging you. She tells you what she thinks, but leaves it up to you what to do. So usually, I'm fairly excited (yes, I said excited) about going to see her. Even when I know I've been doing 85% of things wrong.

This appointment didn't feel that way though. I just really didn't want to have to go. I've been making some changes and my averages are down. I didn't want to hear that I'd been doing this and this wrong, even if she does leave off the judgement. I just wasn't willing to expose all those mistakes to the light.

And I feel torn between wishing I would have canceled and being excited about the outcome.

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My latest A1c was 7.3. I'm feeling very neutral about it. It's neither high nor low to me. My goal is still 6.5, so the disappointment of being so far off from that is bothering me. But overall, I know that 7.3 is still down from where it was before (7.6) and in a moderately good range for me.

I know that getting below 7 is one of the hardest things to do, if not the hardest, so I can't be too hard on myself. It's very frustrating though that it is so hard to get there. Why can't this be a little easier? Or why can't I be a little better at getting things right? I know that I don't do everything right (I'm human!), but I also know that my slip-ups are exactly why my A1c is 7.3.

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