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February 10th, 2012
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I absolutely love my new job. It is amazing, awesome, and perfect for me. I'm getting to lead amazing people, I'm working on social issues that desperately need the help, and I have a great group of coworkers that have been extremely supportive through the training process. Everything in my life has come together at this point. There isn't anything I could ask for.

 

Except that the last week has left me feeling unwhole and in emotional stress. For no apparent reason. There is nothing that I should be terribly upset about, nothing that should leave me feeling in a trench. Nothing major should have me teary eyed and emotionally unsure about life.

 

Yet here I am. It's not that severe. It's just a small feeling that I can't seem to shake. Something that's kind of tugging at me, trying to pull me deeper in. Something that isn't sitting well with me and I really want to push beyond.

 

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I haven't been eating right at all lately. I know what everyone will say because my mother has told me the same things already. I need to focus, I need to keep my eating habits on track, I need to stay healthy. But right now, I don't need to be told this. I need to find a way myself, on my own, to fix this.

 

I'm just not very hungry lately. Or if I'm hungry, I have no appetite. I can go hours upon hours without eating or even thinking of eating. And when my stomach finally growls, I peruse the pantry and come up with nothing. I want nothing.

 

But then there are these times where I just want to eat and eat. I'm not hungry, but pounds of food seem ideal. I want cookies, donuts, Coke, and cake. I just eat and eat, until I just get tired of eating.

 

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Today, I'm feeling very raw. You know that kind of emotion that leaves everything sitting on the edge, just waiting to burst through the dam? Today is one of those days. Where I could laugh, sing, cry, weep, or punch somebody at the drop of a hat.

 

It's an emotional state that's been building over the past few weeks. And today is the culmination of all that time compressed into a few moments of completely raw emotion.

 

School was rough the last few weeks. With an insane amount of tests and papers, I was running myself ragged trying to keep up, catch up, and finish up. Although it's over, I'm still a bit flustered from it all. Grades aren't published yet and the perfectionist in me is still angry over a bad test and a poor paper.

 

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I'm a self-proclaimed adventurer. I love to try new things, go to all sorts of places, and I'm always up for a challenge. So college seemed like it'd be one huge adventure in life. But three years ago, I sat down to apply to colleges and had no idea as to what I wanted. Plus there was one major issue looming over me: my health.

 

I've always known that diabetes would keep me a little more cautious than most. But I've never let it stop me. I played sports, I took trips, I even went zip-lining through the jungle last year. Diabetes means that I plan much more than the average person, that I don't just pick up and leave without extreme consideration. I never thought it would hold me back.

 

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Right now, I'm staring at my logbook trying to decide what changes I need to make and what else I want to try with all this. This past week has been a bit rocky so my averages are all over the place. Mostly, they're high. At least higher than I want them to be. So while I'm staring at my book, I'm trying to piece together this last week and figure out what is going on with these numbers.

 

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I had trouble explaining to my endo at my last visit why I don't always bolus prior to eating. So much trouble that I was painfully aware that she didn't have diabetes and didn't understand some of the tiny nuances that come along with this.

 

Lately the main reason I've delayed a bolus is because I don't always know how much I'm going to eat. And it really sucks when you think you're going to eat X number of carbs and then bolus and then wind up not eating that amount.

 

Sure, there are other times when I go into a meal too low to justify bolusing up front, but for the most part it has to do with not really knowing how my stomach will react to what I'm planning to eat.

 

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I don't think I've ever been more undecided about a health-care issue than I am right now.
 

To DexCom or not to DexCom?
 

Last week, I wrote that I was up in arms about my insurance company saying it wouldn't pay for the DexCom sensors because my policy doesn't have "disposable coverage" and that I was going to fight for the coverage. Today has been a pretty good day, and I've been thinking that I don't really need a CGMS.
 

I know, that's totally weird coming from someone who has been saying for months how beneficial the system would be to my life.
 

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My mind makes up for the often boring and brain-numbing life of a stay at home mom with a really cool dream life. By day, I'm dancing around the living room singing Laurie Berkner songs and smacking my backside to cheer my little boy up, but by night, I'm traveling the world, eating exotic foods and bumping into people I haven't seen in 20 years. Needless to say, I'm pretty hooked on that eight-hours a night.


In my dreams, I'm not sniffing out a poopy diaper, sorting laundry or strolling the aisles of the supermarket, humming along to the music. In my dreams, I'm not dealing with diabetes, either. Or rather, I wasn't, until last night.

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I woke up at 87. I drank a juice and had two granola bars. I bolused for the extra carbs that didn't treat the low.

 

I started feeling foggy so I checked my blood sugar. 83. I had another juice and a small snack. I still didn't feel "normal" so fifteen minutes later, I had another small snack.

 

An hour later and my blood sugar is now at 92. My brain is still foggy. I'm about to fall asleep at my desk. So I'm drinking half a soda. And watching for the upward trend that I know will follow shortly and send me soaring into the 200's.

 

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My job interview went well. I think very well. I am getting more and more excited about having the opportunity to work with this organization. I am still holding out on the name of the company for certain reasons. In due time though, I will be able to share with everyone. In the mean time, it's time for a little VACATION!!! My girlfriend and I are heading down to Florida for a few days and WE CAN'T WAIT! We will be soaking up some major sun rays, relaxing on the beach, and maybe even flying through the air on some bad-AS* roller coasters!
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Lindsey Guerin
Lindsey GuerinLindsey is a typical, yet unique, Texas girl who loves shopping, movies and reading. She loves to travel and take risks. She dreams of diabetes cures, never-ending cheesecake and her own airplane. The rest you can discover in her blog! (Read More)
Michelle Kowalski
Michelle KowalskiMichelle Kowalski, a writer, editor and photography hobbiest living in Phoenix, was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes in February 2005. In January 2008, as part of her quest to start on an insulin pump, Michelle learned that she actually has type 1 diabetes. (Read More)
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