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Once upon a time, I wrote about things other than diabetes. I wrote about things like funerals for dead pet fish, my wife’s germophobia and my disdain for minivans.

As a kid, I was never a great student. Most of it bored me and I didn’t make much of an effort to store the information in my brain. Math I never understood and still don’t.  This is most obvious when my daughter asks me for help on her math homework. I usually just look at my wrist and tell her, “sorry, I have a thing,” and I run as fast and as far away as I can until I can be absolutely sure that she’s no longer following me.

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I've always been a quote collector. Each year in high school I wrote down all of the senior quotes in a notebook. I think I occasionally looked back at them. I had a gigantic book of quotes at one point, too, and I'm pretty sure I went through it with a highlighter. (Oh, wait. Looking over my shoulder at my bookcase I see I still have "Words of Wisdom.")

While I've since trashed that notebook, I am still a connoisseur of quotes. I think for the entire seven years we lived in that little town in Missouri, I had a quote (I think by Kenny Rogers) on a post-it note (that interestingly never lost its stickiness) attached to a kitchen cabinet: Don't be afraid to give up the good for the great.

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Before Charlie went on the CGM, I had a major misconception of the pump calibration process. To me, it sounded very scientific and potentially disastrous if not done with exact precision. Then I learned it was actually quite easy. Not only that, it was fun. Kind of like a party. Reminds me of that 1980 classic by Kool & The Gang - Calibration.

Calibration

Calibrate on time, come on! (Let’s calibrate)

Calibrate on time, come on! (Let’s calibrate)

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I've said it before and I know others have too: it's awfully strange, considering my profession, that I don't read books. I've never been a book reader. Ever. I struggled through classes in high school and college that required reading novels.

I know, right? And yes I still want to write the Great American Novel. But that's different. Part of the reason I don't read more is that I'm easily distracted. I can sit down and read a chapter or two of a book, put it down and think that I'll be able to get back to it the next day. But then it's a week before I pick the book up again and I've forgotten what I've read.

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My mind is currently in a million places at the moment. I'm in the middle of a tough decision and waiting game. I'm slightly stressed. And I'm closely watching how my Lantus change is affecting my numbers. So I'm going to take the easy way out and bullet point what's on my mind.

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There is a box sitting in my mud room from Medtronic. It’s a box that contains something really exciting and slightly terrifying. Charlie has seen the box and its contents. He’s seen the size of the needle and he wants to go ahead with it anyway. He asks me every day if I’ve called to set up some sort of training in how to hook this baby up.

There have been too many times in the past six months when we shook our heads in frustration and said "we can’t go on like this." Too many times when we’ve said, "something needs to change."

So, now there’s a box in the mud room.

I wonder if the restrictions are easing now that insurance companies are seeing how beneficial continuous glucose monitoring can be. I remember reading in the blogosphere not too long ago about the flaming hoops that needed to be jumped through in order to get coverage.

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To everything there is a level of precision, a degree of reliability, or a standard beyond which improvement is either unachievable, or requires huge investments of time and money well beyond the benefit of that improvement. Companies may refer to this point as "zero return on investment". Most of us just call it "good enough for jazz", "good enough for government work", or simply, "good enough".

It has been said that our ideal blood glucose levels "should" never vary outside the range of 80-126, ever -- but most of us don't have CGMs, none of us have glucose measurement technology with accuracy of greater than 5% (expanding that range out to 76-132) and even if we had them, we'd need infinitesimally-small amounts of ultra-fast acting insulin to keep it there every time it budged a point or two. For most of us, a two-hour postprandial reading of 140 is "good enough".

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“Good morning,” I say to the parking attendant.

“Good morning,” I say to the security guard on my way into my office building.

“Good morning,” I say to co-workers while grabbing some breakfast.

But is it a good morning when your son wakes up with a blood sugar of 408?

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I do expect a decent A1c but only because he's had a lot of lows. So, should I be pleased if we do, in fact, get a good number? Should I be patting myself on the back? Not so sure. The visit can't be much worse than last time when we waited more than three hours and then eventually just left after receiving an A1c of 7.9. So, 7.9 is the number to beat tomorrow.

Back in the early days, we would arrive at our visit with a laundry list of questions.

Why is he high at this time?

Why is he low?

Why can't you fix him?

Why are you telling me not to wake up in the middle of the night?

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I'm 21 years old. As much as I like to consider myself an adult, I know I've barely lived. Yes, I've been in love, traveled to multiple countries, held a steady job, and seen the sunrise. But I haven't held my own child in my arms, said "I Do" in a white dress, walked across the university commencement stage, or owned my own home.

I have spent the last four years of my life fighting against my health though. A fight that has beaten me down, bruised and broken me both physically and emotionally. A fight that I'm ready to give up on.

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