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May 26th, 2012
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Diabetes is a unique disease in many ways.

 

One way that I never really realized until recently is the guilt it places on the patient.

 

With other diseases, your doctor is in control of everything. Your medicine, how often you take it, and how much. But with Diabetes, the patient is the one who has to manage it. So when there is a problem, the patient gets blamed.

 

But is that fair? Sure, I know that I decide if I am going to take my insulin on time, or bolus correctly. I am the one who either chooses to exercise or not and eat healthy foods or not. Those are up to me.

 

But, tell me this, who is to blame when I take my insulin correctly, exercise, do everything right, and for no reason my blood sugar is 270?

 

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It's very rare that I miss a day of work. VERY rare. I've called in sick only a handful of times in the last four years of my working life. I typically am a "bite the bullet" kind of girl and work at least a few hours when I'm feeling ill. So when I do call in sick, I'm usually very sick.

 

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This post by our very own Carey Potash - got me thinking about how I'd feel if we found a cure. I decided to practice how I might bid diabetes farewell - Dear John-style.
Dear Diabetes, (READ MORE)


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I touched the top of my forehead and felt the sudden wetness of perspiration as I walked down the stairs. My head felt light and loose as if it dangled from a marionette string. Strange. It wasn't hot in the house. I felt an overwhelming feeling of tingly ickiness throughout my whole body as I stood there sweating and vibrating and wanting to quickly get to the nearest chair.
I've tested Charlie's blood sugar thousands of times, but doing my own felt awkward as I searched for the right angle. After some difficulty, I managed to squeeze a drop of blood from my finger and scoop up enough for a reading. Sure enough, I was 66. (READ MORE)


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There is a lot going on today. A lot. I guess I'm not very happy, but I am trying my darndest to be. I am dealing with more emotions today than I can ever remember having. I have a lot of personal stuff happening and I have been trying to share as much of that with you all as I can. As you know, I am in the middle of a life changing experience with my career. Just last night I sent my resume, cover letter, and references off to what I hope to be my next, and potentially last employer. Also, so much is going on in the world with people suffering, hurting, and being sick. And last but not least, I wasn't able to train martial arts today, and instead I ate a freaking pizza.
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There comes a point where death isn't scary anymore. But hope...hope is scary.

 

I'm a fan of Grey's Anatomy on ABC. The latest episode featured a terminal cancer patient...a young and seemingly vibrant woman (minus the disease ravaging her body)...who was seeking physician assisted suicide. Those lines up there were ones she said in defense of her own death.

 

As they passed through the TV speakers, they hit me. Hard. I know they're just fiction, that some TV writer/producer thought them up. Someone thought they knew what it felt like to face that precipice. Maybe they actually do. Maybe they're writing from experience the way that I am now.

 

Those words hit me hard because it's a way that I've never verbalized about emotions that I constantly feel. I've never really considered death and hope in that way. The fear. In a reverse kind of way.

 

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Lowering my A1c is my diabetes priority at the moment. I'm ready to bump down from the 7.3% that I've been stuck at for the last six months. I'm looking to get back under 7% and head towards 6.5% to achieve another "lowest A1c of all time." But today it hit me that lowering my A1c is really taking a toll on me.

 

Not only is it increasing my diabetes stress to do everything right (or at least the majority), but it's also creating a domino effect with quite a few other aspects of my life. Things that are "tolerable" but when combined make me wonder if it's worth it. I feel like I'm always in a state of "weighing the consequences:" do I try harder to lower my A1c or do I tolerate the 7.3% and avoid the ill effects?

 

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It came out of nowhere, but I think most sickness does. You know when something wakes you up in the middle of the night it's bad.

 

Last Tuesday morning I woke up at 2:45 a.m. with lower abdominal cramps. Actually, more like pressure. I even think I was dreaming about it, which you know means business. It's interesting to me how we can almost instinctually know what to do in certain situations -- even when we're in a deep sleep.

 

I spent about 15 minutes in the bathroom dealing with the pressure and another Big D. I really thought it was just a fluke, thought maybe something I ate for dinner hadn't set right with me. Though, even in my 3 a.m. stupor I thought about how a "fluke" had likely never woken me up in the middle of the night.

 

Repeat at 4:30 a.m.

 

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I walked into my local Whole Foods Body store with the best of intentions. I wanted just one item. I didn't know what brand to buy, but I had a general idea of what I was looking for. When the salesperson said the magic words, "What can I help you find today," I should have run far away. Instead, we started a dialog that left me leaving the store with a full bag and an empty wallet. (READ MORE)


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As we come to the close of the DIABETES series, I'm not exactly sure how to end. No, it's not my last blog. Just the last for the series. Yet I still feel that a finale is important. A closing argument, if you must. My mind can't seem to find the right words. Specifically, I can't seem to find the right "S" that really fits what is spinning through my mind right now.

 

S: Spouses is the first word that comes to my mind, yet I have no spouse. But relationships are certainly on my mind right now. I just can't seem to find the right "S" to express what is heavy on my heart. Words like relationship, future, partner, or dating fit but nothing with an "S."

 

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Michelle Kowalski
Michelle KowalskiMichelle Kowalski, a writer, editor and photography hobbiest living in Phoenix, was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes in February 2005. In January 2008, as part of her quest to start on an insulin pump, Michelle learned that she actually has type 1 diabetes. (Read More)
Nicole Purcell
Nicole PurcellNicole Purcell lists having type 1 diabetes last when she's asked to provide information about herself - because that's where it belongs.

(Read More)
Our Other Bloggers: Carey Potash, Lindsey Guerin, Brenda Bell, MikeDurbin, Megan, Robert Hudson, Julia, George Simmons, Scott Marvel, Kim Doty, Kerri Sparling,