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For 4 weeks I have avoided the world. I stopped blogging. Stopped logging. Stopped counting points. Just stopped.

What good did it do me? Lots actually when I look back. I realized that support and friends are an important part of my life and my diabetes management. I use the support and advice from my friends almost daily. When I read comments on blog posts I always find support and help from so many. It truly keeps me in line.

The other side of it is that I found that worrying does no good at all. I have spent this last month worrying about money which did absolutely no good. The only good that came about was that realization. Worry is a waste of time.

What is annoying is that I know this. I know that worry is nothing more then a stress creator and with that, a glucose "inflator." I need not add to the stress of my life worrying all the time.

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Both of my doctors, my endocrinologist and the doctor in charge of my bio-identical treatment, have sent disability status letters for me. It actually took very little effort, despite the initial feedback from the nurses in the beginning. I'm happy to get these out of the way and go forward with the process. I'll also be writing my own letter to support my case with a personal note.

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I'm about to say something that will likely leave you with one of two reactions. Either you'll say, I can't believe you said that! What a horrible mother. Or, you'll say, Amen sister. I hear you.

So here it is: I'm about to spend two and a half days away from my family and I can. not. wait. Two and a half days of not worrying about who has their homework done, who has done their required reading for the day, who has done their chores. Two and a half days away from saying "no," "stop it," "because I said so," and "go to time out."

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One day. I'll learn to start listening to that voice, the one that occasionally gives me advice, the voice that I largely ignore. It's a tiny little internal voice, coming (I presume) from a tiny little internal smart guy. In my imagination, he dresses much better than I do.

Let's call him... Tiny Rob.

Now, to be fair, Tiny Rob has a pretty spotty record. Sure, he may have been the one who sent me to the doctor five years ago, but he's taken more on-the-job vacations since then than George W. Bush. Tiny Rob has left me to my own devices for months at a stretch, only popping by occasionally to ask, "So, what'd I miss?"

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My mind is currently in a million places at the moment. I'm in the middle of a tough decision and waiting game. I'm slightly stressed. And I'm closely watching how my Lantus change is affecting my numbers. So I'm going to take the easy way out and bullet point what's on my mind.

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So, I made an appointment with a therapist here in Providence.  She is a holistic practicioner who uses yoga and guided meditation as part of her treatment.  I spoke with her yesterday and I'm thrilled that she was able to fit me in for next week.

Meanwhile, the rest of the day on Tuesday, yesterday, and today were so much better for me.  Though I had some serious fluctuations in bloodsugar today, I've actually been testing and I plan to take a look at my basal and bolus rates this weekend with my endo to see if there are any changes I can make that will improve the situation for me.  I had a bit of a sleepless night, through no fault of my own and not for lack of trying, on Tuesday. But made up for it with a great evening, excellent dinner, and Art Cars on the Mag Channel late-night yesterday.  Still, the very long work week has drained me and I'm home early tonight, ready to sleep.  

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Weaning off then completely stopping the progesterone has been interesting. I've definitely felt my old symptoms come back, like I mentioned last week. A drop in mood, fatigue, and some of the joint pain are the main issues. But there have also been positive changes.

Like the level of pre-period pelvic pain didn't start the usual two weeks out. Of course, my period could be another two weeks away since they are incredibly irregular. But so far, I've only had maybe 2 days of pelvic pain as opposed to a usual 5-10 days. If I could limit it without progesterone, the endometriosis surgery might completely clear whatever else is causing the pain. We'll have to wait to see about that one though.

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You are the night
You are the days
You are the hours until
You are the pain on his face
You are his pinching eyelids
You are his grinding teeth
You are the screaming
You are the 2 am light bulb
You are the creaky stairs
You are deception
You are doubt
You are the things that go wrong
You are runaway hands tucked under his pillow
You are the holes in his wet fingers like coral
You are panic
You are fury
You are desperation
You are paleness
You are the vacant collapse
You are the burning tremble
You are the shark in the fog
You are the dark hallway
You are the unknown
You are unanswerable questions
You are the odd imposter
You are jagged temper
You are dread
You are scar tissue and blood
You are alarm
You are guilt
You are darkening shades of purple (READ MORE)

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