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Life seems to be constantly changing for me lately. I feel like I can't seem to get a firm footing before something else comes along or I realize that I need to focus on a new area. This week hasn't been any different, but honestly, I'm kind of excited about these upcoming changes.

Some changes I can't talk about yet with the general public, but trust me that I will definitely post as soon as I can. I so wish that I could share with everyone and gain your support and prayers, but I guess we all have to be patient at some point.

The big change is that I am pretty sure I've made a decision on the living arrangements. I finally enlisted an apartment locator which was probably the best thing that I could have done for myself. She didn't show me anything I didn't know about, but she did act as an amazing sounding board and advisor for this next big step.

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I feel a little like the hostage of a bank robber trying to escape the police - at least on the diabetes front.  I'm in an old Buick that's running through picket fences, tearing up gardens, driving the wrong way on the highway and running over spike strips but continuing right on its merry way.  And I'm no longer comfortable with this crazy diabetes ride.

I've gotten out of the habit of testing 8-10 times a day and into the habit of testing 3 times or so, 4 or 5 on good (or particularly bad diabetes-wise) days.  I'm not logging.  The discomfort of the CGM in terms of the tape has made it so that I'm not putting on and using this critical tool.  My eating is spotty at best.  I'm unsurprised to see out of range sugars.  

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In my last post, I gave some of my initial observations of the Android operating system, and how it relates to my cellphone smartphone as a personal-safety device. Now it's time to look at the potential of this device in the hands of some talented developers, and what it might be able to do for diabetes management.

I'm first beginning to wade through the Android/diabetes waters as I write this, so there's a good possibility that some of my wishlist items have already been created. (If you find them, please comment back!) To-date, I've found one comment thread in the "dLife Garage" forum and whatever a simple Google search is throwing at me.

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I feel extremely out of sorts with myself lately. I feel out of my own body, like I'm a wakling zombie. I ache, I hurt, I have no energy. And it's greatly affecting my moods. I feel so raw, so broken, so frustrated.

I have 61 days left on the Accutane. And I cannot wait. I may even throw a party on my last day. I'm literally going insane at the moment. Just trying to make it 61 more days...without crawling into a hole.

I keep reminding myself that it's working. My last check up showed roughly 70% improvement. And this last dosage increase has me even more improved. I'm going several days to a week without breakouts, getting far fewer when they happen, and not spending as much time hating myself in the mirror. I wish I was completely clear, but I know that I'm just finishing the third month here and I have two more to go so I can't expect perfection quite yet.

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One day. I'll learn to start listening to that voice, the one that occasionally gives me advice, the voice that I largely ignore. It's a tiny little internal voice, coming (I presume) from a tiny little internal smart guy. In my imagination, he dresses much better than I do.

Let's call him... Tiny Rob.

Now, to be fair, Tiny Rob has a pretty spotty record. Sure, he may have been the one who sent me to the doctor five years ago, but he's taken more on-the-job vacations since then than George W. Bush. Tiny Rob has left me to my own devices for months at a stretch, only popping by occasionally to ask, "So, what'd I miss?"

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Right now, there are a thousand things on my "to do" list. Everything from making Christmas returns to getting my life back on a routine. Just making the list settled some of my frustration with how my life is going at this stage. It's a new year and I'm ready to get back on track and get this life under control. I don't make resolutions so much as set goals because I tend to constantly be doing small pieces of whatever my resolution might be. My problem is relaxing my control or my routine and ending up with a bigger mess.

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In battling whatever bug got ahold of my immune system last week, I fell off the diabetes wagon. My usual attempt at 5 blood sugar checks per day fell far short and resulted in multiple days with two or three checks total. That's not what I want to see, but sometimes we all need a vacation of sorts.

I also took a break from exercise last week. My energy was down and I just didn't have the drive to do much other than sleep. I didn't work out once in the entire week, which is highly unlike me. I did offset it with a lowered calorie intake so at least I didn't pack on any pounds while I was resting up.

This week, I'm back on the diabetes wagon though and trying to hit all my goals. I aim for 5 blood sugar checks per day as many times in a week as possible, at least four workouts in a week, and allow myself one splurge (restaurant dessert, fried food, etc).

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As you've probably noticed, I haven't blogged much as of late. It hasn't been because I haven't wanted to write, or didn't have time, or anything of that nature. I just haven't been get a handle on all of the thoughts in my head long enough to organize them into coherent sentences and get them into a format that anyone would be able to read.

Translation: I've been dealing with a rather rough bout with depression, and my mind has been cluttered with crap. That, in turn, has led to an inability to focus on much of anything, and in general, an inability to care about much of anything. Well, anything except figuring out how to get out of this rut.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, making some tough decisions, and slowly working toward getting back on track. It’s going to take a little while, but I’ll get there. I’ve battled with depression off and on for years, so I’ve been down this road before.

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I spent the Friday morning after I returned from my vacation at my primary care physician's office for a check up and some lab work. I've been having some concerning symptoms that I wanted to get checked and I also wanted an updated A1c since I'm switching endos next month. My PCP is competent albeit frustrating at times.

I went in with the following symptoms: occasional shortness of breath (like my breath is suddenly getting knocked out of me), tingling in my hands, shocking pains in my heels in the morning, and my ongoing fatigue that I've battled for several years now. My two main concerns were the tingling and the shortness of breath.

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